The Flea
(Proportionate Strength of a Flea) "I can bench, like, all the weight"
(Enhanced Jumping) "White men CAN jump."
(Enhanced Agility and Dexterity) "Flea be nimble, Flea be quick."
(Enhanced Metabolism) "I'm on the 'eat whatever the hell I want' diet."
(Flea Sense) "I'm not saying it tingles, but it does."
('Flealepathy') "I also do this really trippy stuff with fleas."
(Wallcrawling) "Who doesn't love a little five finger fun?"
(Impulsivity) "I like to adopt a policy of leaping before I look."
There are monoliths of human aptitude who boldly don battle gear and bravely soldier forth in the name of justice and peace. There are geniuses who harness the unlimited potential of technology to bolster and protect their fellow man from any who would threaten to harm them. There are the morally upstanding few who, infused with tremendous power, stand tall above the innocent masses and against the many varied forces of evil. Then there's Dewey Durston.
A two-bit crook, part-time dog groomer and all-around scumbag, Dewey Durston was bestowed with all the powers of a flea when he was bitten by a swarm of the bloodsucking parasites which had piggybacked in the fur of an escaped test dog he had taken in. Originally hoping to use his newfound power to make a fortune in the world of crime, Dewey was dismayed to discover that he was incapable of using them without becoming a slave to his base instincts. He was even more dismayed to discover that his base instincts often compelled him to do good instead of evil.
Resigning himself to his new life as a reluctant crimefighter, Dewey became the Indestructible Flea, bringing his own 'unique' brand of justice to the streets of Millennium City and running his mouth off all the while. Though he still gets the occasional urge to pocket a priceless diamond or keep a stolen purse, Dewey is quickly realising that doing good might not be so bad. Whether or not he can permanently change his ways and become a legitimate hero, however, remains to be seen - especially with his crooked past haunting him at every junction...
Contents
Did Someone Say Exposition?
Powers That I Can Do
Stuff I Have
Weaknesses I do not have because I'm a man
Did somebody say "Sexy Nude Pictures"?
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Slammin' Tunes to Fit the Mood
"These are the songs I like to sing in my head when I'm kicking ass. Sometimes I sing them out loud. Most times I don't."
The Offspring - Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)
Cypress Hill - Insane In The Brain
LMFAO - I'm Sexy And I Know It
Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me
Tiny Tim - Living In The Sunlight, Loving In The Moonlight
They Might Be Giants - Can't Keep Johnny Down
Three Bad Jacks - Crazy In The Head
Hey, You! Not You! You! Have We Met?
"I'll let Swixer take over from here, since I've just found a ping-pong paddle and am about to go cray-cray."
- The Flea is notorious throughout Millennium City's street level superhero community due to his annoying personality and lack of self-control, both of which tend to make their jobs a lot harder.
- Dexter Pest and his band frequents Sherrera's Bar, playing mediocre music and drinking free beers.
- The Flea frequents Carl's Gym, bragging to others about his fighting talent and taking on challengers.
- The Flea has his own online blog, which provides laughs to a number of his fellow heroes as they mock his very existence.
- The Flea is an avid video gamer and can be found online under the screen-names "xxxXXXxxxkill3r_no_scope_fleaxxxXXXxxx", "I_luv_boobs696969", "Nanny McFlea", "Boneatron3000", "Sexy_Guitarist_Boy69" and "XXXx00KILLER00xXXX". He frequently gets banned for pestering his fellow gamers, asking female gamers for their age, address and phone numbers and having an unsportsmanlike personality.
- The Flea frequents various online messageboards and forums, usually posing as a fan of himself and posting topics about how amazing he is.
- The Flea is an honorary member of CABAL and claims to be a member of the Moonlighters (he isn't). Neither team returns his calls.
"Okay, I'm back. I accidentally put too much ping in my pong and wrecked my paddle. Did I miss anything? You comfy? Need me to get you a glass of water? No? Let the party continue!"
Tropes? Is that a word?
"Apparently I also have to tell you about all the 'tropes' which apply to me. If you don't know what a trope is, it's a cliche typically seen in a pathetically lame character that sucks in comparison to me. However, for now, I'll make an exception and scour this website full of pedophiles and perverts to seek out tropes which apply to yours truly."
Anti Hero - "Yep, that's me alright: a lone badass standing against a world that fears and misunderstands me. I should definitely consider wearing a cape. Capes are awesome. I am awesome. You can see where I'm going with this, right?"
Badass - "If I could condense my entire complicated character into one made-up word, this would be it. Badass. Gives me goosebumps. Badass."
Black Comedy - "Ooooh! Ooooh! What's the difference between Chivalry and the Patriotism?! Chivalry isn't dead! Nyaha!"
Annoying Laugh - "Chivalry isn't dead! Nyahahahahahahaha! Nyahaha! Ha!
Blue And Orange Morality - "Yeah, uh-huh, you know what it is! Everything I do, I do it big!"
Crazy Awesome - "I once stopped a terrorist cell from blowing up city hall by following its leader around all day thinking he was George Clooney and throwing my idea for a romantic comedy starring him and Brad Pitt as starcrossed lovers at him, stopping him from blowing up anything until UNTIL - Heh, until UNTIL - came and took him away. Guess Ocean's Sixty-Nine will forever be a beautiful dream..."
Captain Ersatz - "If one more person uses the names 'Tick' or 'Deadpool' around me, I'm going to...uh...cry, probably? I dunno, maybe I'll kick something."
Cloudcuckoolander - "Cloudcuckoolander? Is that like Zoolander? I freakin' hated Zoolander! It's got nothin' on Tropic Thunder. Say, has Ben Stiller ever been in a movie with The Rock? Speaking of, what's the Rock's real name? Remember when he used to be a wrestler? Wait, I think that was Vin Diesel. Has Vin Diesel ever been in a movie with the Rock? Woah, how long have I had this mole?"
Confusion Fu - "A lot of fights I win I win because I'm the physical embodiment of a 20-sided roulette wheel slot machine of fortune. Which actually sounds like a badass idea for a game show..."
Deadpan Snarker - "Why do I make snarky remarks so much? I dunno. Why don't you go outside and socialise like a normal person?"
Dude, Where's My Respect? - "I've taken out a terrorist cell, saved a group of foreign hostages, caused a famous mob-boss to turn himself in to the cops crying like a baby and scared some criminals worse than Mr. Blank just by talking to them for a while. How comes I still can't get one FREAKIN' LETTER PUBLISHED IN HERO MAGAZINE?! AND WHERE'S MY PAGE OF THE MONTH NOMINATION, ASSHOLES?!"
Did I Just Say That Out Loud? - "I have a weird thing where I sometimes say my inner monologue outloud. I blame the chat client."
Exactly What It Says On The Tin - "Averted. I mean, it's not like I'm short, annoying and hard to get rid of. Right?"
Chick Magnet - "Heeeeeey, sexy ladies! I don't know how I do it, but I do it well."
Fanservice - "Ooops! I'm not wearing any panties! Tee hee!"
Genre Savvy - "Oh yeah, I know my shit. Not bad for a lowbie, am I right?"
Hero With An F In Good - "F stands for Fantastic, right? That's what my mom told me when she looked at my report card, at least."
Fearless Fool - "Oooooh! The F stands for Fearless! Wait, does that say 'Fool'?"
Jerk With A Heart Of Gold - "I'm not a bad guy. I just say bad things. A lot."
Hey, It's That Voice! - "Bonk!"
I Just Want To Be Loved - "Is it really too much to ask for adoring fans, a bunch of super-friends who respect me and a loyal gal pal?"
Joke Character - "What? What the hell do you mean 'Joke Character'? Would a joke character defeat a rampaging supervillain by...talking him...into...submission...huh..."
Meta Guy - "Seriously, am I the only one that's noticed how often it is heroes walk into fights with villains? It's like that's all they get together to do."
Trademark Favourite Food - "Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles..."
Attention Deficit- Ooh, Shiny! - "Damn it, now I've lost my train of thought. I should go get some waffles."
Sitcom Arch Nemesis - "GOD DAMN IT SKATEBOARD MAN, GET OFF MY LAWN!"
Running Gag - "I'm not gay. Seriously."
With Great Power Comes Great Insanity - "Hey, you go find a flea and stick it in your brain and tell me it wouldn't drive you crazy."
Only Sane Man - "Yeah, -I'm- the crazy one..."
Obfuscating Stupidity & Obfuscating Insanity - "Who knows? I sure as hell don't."
No Fourth Wall - "Hey, I saw that! Gross."
Nigh Invulnerability - "In case you haven't noticed, it's kinda my thing."
Iron Buttmonkey - "Unfortunately, that means the universe tends to kick my ass to keep me in line."
Manchild - "...Grown-ups watch cartoons too. And Pokemon has strategic elements which come in handy in my line of work, damn it!"
Stalker With A Crush - "Okay, let me make myself crystal clear here, okay? Okay? Can I do that? Good. I don't -stalk- attractive female heroes who are nice to me, okay? I just try to be wherever they are whenever possible in an attempt to get to know them better because I respect women! Okay? Okay?"
Desperately Craves Affection - "Stop that!"
Hates Being Alone - "You're pushing it!"
Talking Is A Free Action - "That's better. One time I managed to complete three sentences in the time it took me to fly-kick a guy in the face. Seriously. The sentences had pop-culture references and EVERYTHING."
Trash Talk - "If you're gonna talk as much as I do, you'd better make it count."
Believing Their Own Lies - "People love me! I'm probably one of the most respected heroes in the city, for crying out loud! I mean, I'm a young up-and-comer with a strong career of ass-kicking ahead of me. I can only go up from here!"
Oblivious To His Own Description - "Dangerously incompetent idiot who puts himself and others at risk and would be better off in a mental asylum? You know, just because Avro is a jerk, it doesn't mean you can say that stuff about him behind his back. It's not even accurate."
Animals Hate Him - "Furry creatures hating the Flea? Shocker."
Why Did It Have To Be Snakes - "What?! Cats?! Where!?"
Unreliable Narrator - "That's right, I- Hey!"
Motor Mouth - "Hey, I'm not -that- bad. I mean, yeah, sure, I talk a lot about things and stuff but they usually have some relevance to what's going on. I mean, I don't just go off on tangents about famous celebrities and what I'm thinking about. Who do I look like, Jay Leno? I've always been more of a Conan O'Brien guy myself, though I've always wondered how he gets his hair to stay the way it does. It's freakin' implausible. And I'm not talking hair gel implausible neither, like Thundrax. What kind of hair gel does that guy even use? It probably smells like crap, the way his hair looks. I should sniff his hair if I ever meet him. No, first I should ask him how he gets his body to look the way it does. I mean, steroids have to come into play there, am I right? Maybe I should get on steroids. I could use a little more Badonk in my Donk, if you catch my drift. Speaking of-"
Small Name, Big Ego - "Come on, have you seen me? It's completely justified, heh heh..."
Jaded Washout - "...Heh..."
Sad Clown - "...Heh...Heh..."
The Determinator - "...Okay, so I know I'm not the most competent hero, alright? I know that my brain doesn't work so good and that, most of the time, I'm a screw-up...But all I wanna do is help people, and even if I suck at it, I'm never, ever going to give up on it."
Don't You Dare Pity Me - "Hey, wait a minute. Why am I telling you any of this? Don't you have hentai to jerk it to, pal?"
Kiss My Ass and Inflate My Ego
"So, this is pretty much the place where you put all your opinions of me and what I do so the entire world knows you love me almost as much as I love me! Ladies, try to keep it PG-13."
This guy is actually a hero who actually fights crime. I'm not kidding. Really. - Avro
"I don't see anyone lining up to get your autograph, Hawkeye! Ingrate."
The guy makes me laugh. I'm not sure if that's a mark against him, or me." - Thundrax
"Brb. Fangasming."
"Uhm...speaking as a British international law-enforcing gun-toting snow dragon, this guy is one of the strangest people I've ran into and that's saying...a lot." - Snowtalon
"Okay, that's it. New rule: you're only allowed to say nice things about me from now on. These include, but are not strictly limited to: compliments about my antennae, remarks about the firmness of my buttocks and positive statements about the effect I have on your sex drive."
For once, Natasha breaks the fourth wall, blinking at the previous statement, but having an amused smirk nontheless. Then clears her throat. "Well... A hero that goes after a bug, why not. Wouldn't figure somebody would go for a flea, though, which makes Flea here pretty unique, if I'm being honest. While I once got annoyed by Flea, I learned to take everything he says with a grain of salt and enjoy it. His acts, believe it or not, play an important role... He raises morale. That's right, and don't you go and disbeleive it. And for having fought by his side I can tell you that I do like to know he's on our side." - Natasha Roy
"Hey, woah, woah, woah! Wait a cotton-picking minute! How come she can break the fourth wall too? Come on, people, we had contracts made up for this sort of thing! I'm suing somebody! I'll be in my imaginary trailer!"
"Few beings disgust me as much as he does." - Lorekeeper
"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess!"
"...he really needs to quit asking how old I am. And for my phone number. And for pictures of me." - Dobergirl
"And -you- need to stop leaving the window of your apartment open!"
"Fleeeeeea! He's my favorite bug! But not the evil him I met once, he sucks. I proposed to an angel for him once!" - Impsblood
"She did. It was heavenly. Nyehahaha! Geddit? Do ya- Eh, never mind."
"Guy killed the shit out of a bear with his bare hands. No pun intended. Anybody else.. kinda scared now?" - Desperado
"Killed a bear with my bare hands! AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BEAR ARMS! AHAHAHAHA! NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL AN UNBEARABLE JOKE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Through thick or thin, I'll have Flea's back as I know he'll have mine. I've nothing but complete faith and love for this man." - Canadian Fist
"...Thanks, Fisty..."
"Flea really seems like a decent guy with his heart in the right place, unlike certain HIPPO MURDERING ASSHOLES I know of. And c'mon, he's pretty funny. Admit it. ..When he's not trying to hitch a ride in my cleavage." - Ophidia
"You know, some people would take that as a compliment, Scaley."
"I don't care what kind of reputation he has. He is not funny. He's not anything except an annoying *blip* who constantly just *blip* with every *blip* one! Befits the name though, I suppose. Do us all a favor and get out of our *blip* hair on a social level. You -might- make friends." - Anarchy
"Woah, I think I'm gonna have to wear some mittens or something here because damn if this lady isn't edgy! I mean seriously, I don't want to hurt myself on all the edginess over here! I especially like the way she swore a whole bunch because she's waaaaaay too cool for school! I wasn't totally convinced by her totally hip and rebellious hairdo or her totally original trenchcoat and name but this right here? This is definitely proof enough of how edgy and out there this lady is! I mean, here I am sitting here being an idiot while -this- one is out shooting things and telling everyone that she isn't a hero because she's too hardcore for that! Go you! Gurl power! You sure won -this- one, I tell you what."
"I owe him a great deal after that incident by the Stature of Liberty... but whenever I see him I think of giant, horrible, disgusting, repulsive and downright fugly insects from outer space. I'd be happy to see him remain a hero... just as long as he does far away from me. No offense." - Demoness
"I took a picture of your boobs."
"In his own way, the Flea is just as noble a defender as any other that takes up the mantle of hero. Whatever his reasons for it, I am glad that he has chosen this path. It is not an easy one to walk, but I believe that he has the fortitude and the intent to see it through to whatever end it may have." - Wavegirl
"I thought the doctor removed my fortitude when I was nine..."
"Oh MAN! I saw the Flea and he kicks butt. I think he was fighting the Blue Bwooser and it was weally good. He also likes cookies and that is even better! Keep kicking butt Mr. Flea!" - Chocolate Chip Chelsea
"The burning passion of a young fan screaming out her approval! A tidal wave of adoration waiting to sweep the unsuspecting hero away! The rapid rising of ego, spirits and self-esteem! This is what makes it all worthwhile!"
"Yuck! Ugh, don't mention that guy to me. I feel like I need to shower every time someone mentions his name. UghughUGH!" - Ada Clover
"Speaking of showers, you leave a -lot- of hair clumps in yours."
"Guy kills a bear and punches out kids, and he doesn't get crap for it. I kill a lion in self defense and move to incapacitate a target, and I'm called out for being a loose cannon? How the fuck is that right?" - Blue Freedom
"Might be 'cause you're a little more WET behind the ears than me. Ahahaha! ...I'm saying you pissed your pants."
"I do not know what this Flea is, but it sounds just like Yamcha." - Myrymma
"I'm the one who does references here, sweetie. Stick to what you know; like wearing skimpy clothing and sending adventurers on quests!"
"Flea is a pervert who looks at too much porn. I still remember when he shoved a mage's assistant off a computer to look hentai up. But I get a laugh from him every now and then, so I can tolerate him. For now." - Ryder Williams
(To 'We Didn't Start The Fire') "Hayabusa, Tobikage, Princess Zelda when she's manly, Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo! Betsy Braddock 'cause she's Psylocke, Raiden, Sasuke, One-Eyed Morlock, Ninja Ninja, Shiranui, freakin' Naruto! I didn't make a ninja! They are all but certain when a weeaboo's yearning! I didn't make a ninja! If there's one thing I know, it's that I'm no weeaboo!"
"This guy was on my team online and kept asking me to show my boobs and make him a sandwich. I hope he doesn't know where I live." - Corrosia
"He doooooooes~"
"The who?" - Whitecloak
"Whooooooooo are you? Who who who who? I REALLY WANNA KNOW!"
"SO LIKE I herd you like mudkipz! HHahaha just kidding umm. You are pretty cool and funny like Danger Deer! We should totally get pizza sometime and you can like tell me cool Flea stuff. UNLESS YOU DECIDE TO FLEE! HA GET IT?!" - Doe Nut
"Yeesh."
"HEY Yeesh isn't an answer. Come on we can compare your Ada Clover underwear collection to my Danger Deer boxers I got! Umm...seriously! DON't IGNORE ME!! ITS FREE PIZZA." - Doe Nut
"Cuckoo."
"Women need to use flea collars against you." - Wolf
"My god your funny i'm laughing this is the coolest person i never met." - Arachni-Boy
"How the Hell did he Kill a Bear?!" - Skull
