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"Ah come ta whup ass an' chew cud."

Bessie - Dramatic.png

B.E. #5513, "Bessie"
Player: @BlackWolfe042
"Ya'll ain't never seen a cowgirl o' mah cowliber!" -- Bessie's introductory speech at the Wild West Show.
Character Build
Class Focus: Freeform (Ranged/Melee DPS)
Power Level: 40
Research & Development: Arms
Biographical Data
Real Name: Bovine Experiment #5513
Known Aliases: B.E. #5513; Bessie
Gender: Female
Species: Anthropomorphic Bovine
Ethnicity: Longhorn
Place of Birth: Bryan/College Station, TX
Base of Operations: Millennium City
Relatives: None
Age: 7
Height: 7'2"
Weight: 825 lbs
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Blonde
Complexion: Brown Furred
Physical Build: Muscular
Physical Features: Bessie is, in fact, a large, anthropomorphic cow with blonde hair usually done up in pigtails. Frequently seen wearing her performance clothes, a red-white-and-blue cowboy outfit.
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Identity: Public
Years Active: Less than one
Citizenship: Naturalized citizen of the United States

Note: Though a full citizen, due to her age and questions regarding her lifespan and maturity levels, she is legally a dependent minor.

Occupation: Performing Sharpshooter/Roper
Education: Legally none, equivalent to roughly middle school, with massive gaps and occasional specialized areas of high levels of education
Marital Status: Single
Known Powers and Abilities
Super Strength, Accelerated Healing, Limited Invulnerability
Equipment and Paraphernalia
Two Pearl-Handled .55 Cal Revolvers, Kendrium Cable Lasso
ReldinBox Template

Bessie's pen and paper character sheet can be found here.

Bessie is "the rootin'est, tootin'est, ropin'est, shootin'est cowgirl in the world", according to the playbills put out during her time with Doc Holliday's Travelin' Wild West Show, and she is definitely that. She's a flashy performer at heart, as her life up to this point has consisted of putting on a performance where-ever the show went.

Though her traveling days are over, she still strives to put on a show whenever she's out in public, being as flashy and charismatic as a lifetime of performance has trained her to be. She can often be found either patrolling the streets of Westside, Millennium City, or, on Saturdays, visiting the children's ward at Mercy Hospital.

Physical Appearance

"Ah ain't one ta brag, but ya ain't never seen a cowgirl quite like me, pardner."
Bessie is large, as cows are wont to be, and pretty solidly built. Her bovine heritage is pretty apparent, too: she has two fingers and a thumb on each hand, two toes on each foot, brown fur covering her body, and the head of a cow. Her head is covered with a straw-blonde shock of hair that's usually done up in pigtails or a ponytail, and she's most often seen wearing her performance outfit: a red-white-and-blue cowgirl outfit, complete with spurs on her cowboy boots, oversized six-shooters on her hips, and a lasso made from Kendrium cable capable of withstanding the prodigious strength she can apply to it.

Powers, Abilities, and Equipment


"Well, y'all, Ah'm a cow. Ah don't know if'n ya know it, but us cows're made o' muscle. Where'd ya think beef comes from?"
Bessie, being an artificially engineered cow person, is a good deal stronger than a normal human, capable of dead-lifting upwards of 10 tons, and quite sturdy to boot. As a side-effect of the processes that created her, she also heals at an accelerated rate. She is also quite intelligent, with a tested IQ in excess of 160.

Skills and Abilities

"It ain't that the bear dances well, but that 'e dances ay-tall, as the sayin' goes."
Apart from a bizarrely haphazard education picked up from her time in the laboratory that created her (she's nearly as knowledgeable as a PhD in the field of genetics, has a solid grasp of biochemistry and biology, competent though not exemplary in mathematics, and barely literate), Bessie has trained hard in the use of her pistols and lasso, in order to become the showgirl she is today.

  • Genetics - While only barely literate in a linguistic sense, Bessie can read and interpret genetic code with ease. In fact, she finds it soothing: her favorite bedtime read is her own DNA. Where others see "GATCTCGAGTCTAACA" etc, she can practically see the organism described by those genes, including some metahuman abilities (specifically those she shares, like super-strength and accelerated healing).
  • Gunsmithing - Bessie has to make her own bullets, as standard .55 caliber rifle ammunition is too long to fit in the cylinder of her revolvers. She's also well-trained enough to perform any maintenance her gold-plated, pearl-handled Brahmas require.
  • Sharpshooting - Bessie has trained nonstop since her purchase by Doc Holliday's Travelin' Wild West Show, and while she is not a competitive-level sharpshooter, the novelty of her weapons and herself are enough to draw a crowd, and she's definitely a professional.
  • Rope Tricks - Bessie is slightly better at rope tricks and roping in general than she is at sharpshooting. Still not good enough to compete on a national level, but again, the novelty of Bessie herself more than makes up for that in drawing a crowd.
  • Performance - A good part of Bessie's show is the patter. Her act is modeled after Annie Oakley's routine, with some modifications due to the differing skill sets and the fact that marrying a talking cow would be a scandal. (So no jokes about the husband/wife relationship.) Bessie's no stand up comedienne, but she's quick-witted and a smooth talker.


"Ah always say a gal's only as good as her tools, and, brother, Ah got the best tools this side o' the Pecos!"
The bulk of Bessie's equipment is, like Bessie, property of the Wild West show.

Custom .55 Cal 6-Shot "Brahma" Revolvers

Bessie's custom 0.55 caliber "Brahma" 6-Shot Revolvers

"Mah sweet babies."
These custom jobs are the largest six-shot revolvers in use worldwide. Everything from the oversized handgrips to the bullets themselves is custom made. These orichalcum, pearl-handled beauties are illegal for civilians to buy or sell in the United States due to their massive size, but not illegal to own, a fine legal distinction that allowed the Wild West show's owner, an amateur - though competent - gunsmith, to manufacture the weapons himself.

Note: At the time of manufacture, the weapons were made from steel, then electroplated in gold. They have since been magically transmuted to the heavier and more durable orichalcum by the hero known as Forgeman.

Custom Ammunition

"If'n Ah hadn't learnt ta make these, all Ah'd be able ta turn in ta th' cops'd be... Well, let's jest not talk about that."

  • Hardballs - Low-powder hard rubber shells, the Hardballs turn what would be a lethal weapon into a more versatile one, delivering powerful blunt-force impacts instead of bullet wounds.
  • Softballs - Similar to the VIPER Tar Gun, the Softballs are low-velocity rounds made of a non-newtonian long-chain polymer in an acrylic base. What this means is that the more someone struggles, the harder the Softballs are to break, and after a short time, the acrylic sets, causing the Softballs to harden to steel-like strength. Both the polymer and acrylic break down under application of a solvent such as turpentine.
  • Sweet Dreams - Gas grenades with an impact trigger, the Sweet Dream rounds disperse a fast-acting soporific gas that quickly breaks down upon exposure to light. Anyone within ten feet of the point of impact will feel the full effects of the powerful sedative, but within seconds, the gas is rendered harmless.
  • Hard Goodnight - In contrast to Sweet Dream rounds, the Hard Goodnight is made of a thick layer of soft, low-temperature wax around a liquid core. The wax peels away mid-flight, leaving several thin streams of liquid. When these streams strike a target, they penetrate the skin much like an aerosol autoinjector, depositing themselves in the target's subdermal tissue. The immediate result is stinging pain like a severe abrasion, followed by numbness in the limb as the anesthetic liquid takes effect. At ranges closer than 30', the target receives enough anesthetic to knock out a normal human within five seconds. At further than 45', the liquid does not penetrate the skin, merely leaving a welt. At closer than 15', the wax does not have time to peel away, and the round is capable of dealing severe trauma to the target, up to and including death.
  • Tough Love - Tough Love is virtually identical to the Hard Goodnight, except that the fluid contained within it is comprised of a smaller dose of the Hard Goodnight anesthetic, along with a mixture of telomerase produced by Bessie's own lymphatic system, essential proteins, and a synthetic enzyme to break down cells' nuclear membranes, triggering mitosis. The net result of this concoction is an injury comparable to those listed under Hard Goodnight, above, followed by accelerated mitosis and temporary regeneration of telomeres on the dividing cells.

"That's right. Ah kin heal ya by shootin' ya. It hurts like th' Dickens, an' it ain't exactly AMA approved, but it works, goldurn it!"

  • Thor's Hammer - Another low-velocity round, the Thor's Hammer contains a large piezoelectric crystal and has a flat copper tip. Upon impact, the tip compresses the crystal, discharging approximately 50,000 volts of severely disabling electricity through the electroconducting tip. (As a side note, Bessie tazed herself several times figuring out how to keep the round from discharging when it was fired as well.)
  • Flash in the Pan - The flash in the pan is the ultimate in misdirection from a trained performer. When fired, these rounds barely make a sound, emit smoke from the barrel, and, to all intents and purposes, look like a misfire. The round itself, however, is a flash-bang grenade on a three second timer from firing.

Steel Lasso

"T'ain't exactly steel, but 'Kendrium Lasso' ain't got the same ring to it. A gal's gotta think about showmanship, Ah reckon."
Thinner than standard cable, flexible enough to use as a lasso, but stiff enough for the flashier rope tricks and strong enough to withstand virtually any abuse Bessie can put it through, this Kendrium cable has seen a lot of use in the past year, and it's showing no signs of wear so far. Given the durable (and highly expensive) nature of the material it's made from, it's not likely to, either.

Gene Sequencer

This device, on loan from MCU professor Doctor Dragon, is a very powerful gene sequencer. It can take any sample and process it in under a minute, providing a readout in standard GATC format. There are indications of a previously implemented feature that has been disabled, but Bessie isn't too fussed about those, so long as it works as a sequencer.


  • Mixed Genetics - Bessie's genetic structure is cobbled-together at best, leaving her vulnerable to mutagens, carcinogens, and certain types of virus. In addition, her mixed heritage vastly increases the number of diseases she is capable of contracting.
  • Just a Child - Despite her intelligence, Bessie is very naive, and likely to take almost anything at face value. She's also very emotional, easily distracted, and prone to flights of fancy.
  • Herd Instinct - Bessie is more cow than human by a wide margin, and as such is prone to panic. She's also more likely to go along with a crowd than not.
  • Not Invulnerable - Bessie's hide is tough, and her muscles even tougher, but she's still just flesh and blood. While she's capable of recovering with remarkable speed from virtually any injury, she has to survive the injury in order to do so.
  • Carcinophobia - While concern about the stability of her DNA is justified, Bessie takes this to unhealthy extremes, and can become paralyzed in the face of known carcinogens.
  • Desperate for Acceptance - Bessie is terrified of being rejected for being nothing more than a "jumped-up cow".
  • Inexperienced - In addition to her youth, Bessie has led a somewhat sheltered life. To paraphrase a once-popular radio show, she has no idea what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
  • Night Terrors - Bessie's phobia and numerous social anxieties cause her to suffer from rather debilitating nightmares on a regular basis.
  • Obsessive - Bessie will latch onto an idea to the exclusion of virtually everything else.


"Well, shoot, Ah'm about the sweetest thang you'll ever meet."
Bessie's pretty outgoing, as the bulk of her short life so far has been spent performing for others. She's wary of strangers, however, and more likely to associate with younger folk. She's often wary of adults, as so far the adults in her life have been conciliatory or worse.

The most important thing to note about her, however, is that while she's physically mature, being an intelligent, person-shaped cow as opposed to a human with cow traits, she is only seven years old. When talking in subjects she's knowledgeable about, she's confident and her skill level is clear. When talking about subjects she's ignorant of, her lack of skill is even more clear.


While the bulk of her history is unknown, what is known is this:

  • Bessie is the product of genetic experimentation at Texas A&M University in Bryan/College Station, Texas.
  • It is unknown what the goal of the experiment was, but seems likely that human DNA factored into her makeup.
  • Bessie was sold a few years ago to Doc Holliday's Travelin' Wild West Show, who saw in her a chance to revitalize the Wild West show in general, and their show in particular. They paid far more than they could afford for her, but the novelty of a cow cowgirl helped them recoup the losses and pay back the investors they had to borrow from in order to do so.

Bovine Experiment 5513 Audio Log Transcripts

January 8, 2005, 7:08pm

Bryan/College Station, Texas

"It doesn't look right. Look, the forelegs are malformed. The barrel is too small. The whole thing is too small for this stage of development. There's something weird about the hooves, as well."

"Should we terminate?"

"No, no. It may be physically malformed, but that doesn't necessarily preclude its being viable in terms of the project. Have it carried to term."

April 7, 2005, 8:09am

Bryan/College Station, Texas

"Oh, my God."

"What? What is it, man?"

"The hooves. Those aren't hooves. They're hands, look! Two fingers and a thumb, see?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"No, I think he's right. Look, the back hooves look like feet."

"Listen, I won't deny the illusion is convincing. But there is absolutely no way that thing has hands. It's a god damned bovine, for Christ's sake!"

"Are you sure we didn't make a mistake? Alter the wrong sequences?"

"Don't even suggest the possibility, Simmons. Do you have any idea how much money the University has put into this project? At all?"

June 19, 2005, 6:12pm

Bryan/College Station, Texas

"Okay, all right, we can deal with this."

"We've got a breech birth here."

"Well, get in there and do something about it, or we'll lose them both!"

"Right! Right, uh..."

"For the love of God, man! There are two hundred students on this campus who can deal with a breech birth. At a minimum! Don't tell me you're squeamish!"

"Okay, I... All right, there's the tail... I... ew... I have the... oh my God."

June 19, 2005, 6:37pm

Bryan/College Station, Texas

"What the hell... what the hell have we done?"

"Bovine Experiment number five-five-one-three... is a clear failure. Undesirable mutation."

"What do we do with her?"

"Terminate it. Better than letting it suffer."

"Termin-- She's not an it, she's a baby!"

"It's a calf. A female one, I'll grant, but it is not, nor will it ever be, a human. Man up, or do I have to do it for you?"

January 12, 2006, 8:07pm

Bryan/College Station, Texas

"What is it, Simmons?"

"It's Be-- Five-five-one-three."

"What about it?"

"She's... she's developing rather fast, isn't she?"

"Not at all. She's developing quite normally for a calf her age."

"She's... She's not a calf, sir."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Calves don't talk."

June 19, 2006, 7:05am

Bryan/College Station, Texas


"Yes, Dr. Simmons?"

"Do you know what today is?"

"No, Dr. Simmons. Did I miss a deadline? Did Dr. Smith need those sequences done today? I thought I had 'til next Tuesday, but I can finish 'em today if'n I get start--"

"Bessie. No. Calm down, I can see the whites of your eyes. Deep breaths, Bessie."


"Not that deep. Relax. Relax. Bessie, you know that you're different, right?"

"Yes, Dr. Simmons. Dr. Smith says it's 'cause--"


"Because I'm a experiment."

"An experiment, yes."

"He says I'm a failure. I-- I don' wanna be a failure, I try so hard, and mmmmmy speech's gettin' better annnnd mmuuuu..."

"Shhhh, shhh-shh, hush now, it's all right. It's all right. Dr. Smith can be... brusque sometimes, you know that."


"Brusque. It means he's... short with people. Loses his temper, doesn't explain himself."


"Right. What he's talking about is... We were trying to do something when we made you, and we didn't do it. You're... you're special, is what you are."

"Special like the new sequencer?"

"Hah! Oh, you're a lot more special than that old hunk of tin. Bessie, do you know what a birthday is?"

"Um... I... Billy had one last week. All o' th' other students brought him stuff an' they sang at him--"

"To him, Bessie, not at him."

"--sang to him, an' then they set his food on fire an' he hadda blow it out."

"Well, yes, that's... The candles aren't part of the cake, Bessie. Bessie, tell me the students didn't make you eat the candles off of Billy's birthday cake."

"The students didn't make me eat the cans offa the birthday cake."

"Good. I was--"

"Except they did, Dr. Simmons. Did you want me to say it even if they did? Because that's lying, and I'm not s'posed ta lie."

"Why those...."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Simmons. Please don't be mad, I... I don't... yer th' only one doesn't yell at me 'r laugh at me."

"Shhh! Oh, no, Bessie, I'm not mad at you. Never at you. No. Well, let's... let's talk about something else. You saw what people do on a birthday. Do you know what one is?"

"Huh-uh. Only it has to have somethin' ta do with bein' born, I guess."

"Exactly. It's the anniversary of the day someone was born."

"What's a ann-uh... anna..."

"Anniversary? It means something happened on this day, but in the past. Same date, but a different year. Every year, people have birthdays, and it means on that date, the year they were born, they... well, were born."

"Uh-huh. So Billy was born last year on... uh... June Fourteenth?"

"Heh. No... Not last year. Billy was born twenty-three years ago. But yes, he was born on June Fourteenth."


"Yes, Bessie, twenty-three years ago."

"So... so how many years ago was I born?"

"Aha, and now we come to the reason I brought this up. Today, Bessie, is your first birthday."

"My very first?"

"Yes it is. And do you know what that means?"

"It means I was born today, only a year ago? June Nineteenth?"

"Yes it does, but that's not what I mean."

"It means... you're gonna sing at me an' set my food on fire?"

"Haha... Not.... exactly. This, Bessie, is a cupcake. I'm going to light the candle on fire--"


"Yes, Bessie, it's the number one. Do you know why?"

"'Cause one year."

"That's right. Now I light the candle, and then I sing... And when I'm done singing, you close your eyes, you make a wish, and you blow out the candle. Then you eat the cupcake, and I throw away the wrapper and the candle. Okay? And we don't tell Dr. Smith we did this, because he'd be very upset."

"Dr. Simmons?"

"Yes, Bessie?"

"What's a wish?"

April 6, 2008, 4:37pm

Dallas, Texas

"Stop fidgeting, Five-five-one-three."

"M'name's Bessie."

"Irrelevant. Don't chew on your jacket."

"Yes, sir, Dr. Smith."

"Where the hell is that man?"


"I wasn't asking you. And didn't I just tell you to stop fidgeting?"

"Can't help it. Too many smells."

"I'm afraid you'll have to just get used to it."

"Where's Dr. Simmons?"

"Simmons is gone. We've been over this. I know you were close, but he's gone now."

"When's he coming back?"

"He's no-- *sigh* Listen. Fi-- Bessie. Dr. Simmons is dead. We owed some very bad people a lot of money, and they..."

"Ah'm sorry, Dr. Smith."

"No, no... It's not your fault, Bessie. It's mine. I'm the one who went to them for funding. Simmons warned me not to, but, as usual, I didn't listen. I didn't listen to him about a lot of things. You, for instance."

"What about me?"

"You're... you're something else, Bessie, do you know that? I tried to keep from becoming attached, like Simmons did, but... Hell, child, you're... Ah. Here he comes."

"Who's that?"

"Your new... Your new owner."


"Yes, child. You're... You're not human, Bessie."

"Ah know that, Dr. Smith. Shoot, ya tell me every day!"

"Tell myself, more like. But the point isn't that you know it, it's that you know what it means. It means you haven't any rights. I... I thought about getting you some false papers, but... Well, the only ones I know of who could manage something like that... They're the ones who killed Dr. Simmons."

"Why do I need fake papers? We got lots of real papers back at th' lab."

"But not the right papers, Bessie. Papers to say where you were born, who your parents were. Papers that give you rights."

"What's rights?"

"Oh, if only I'd thought about that years ago."

"Beg yer pardon?"

"Nothing, nevermind. The point is, legally, you're an animal. You have to have an owner. And if you stay at the lab, well... Despite all my efforts, I've grown attached to you. I don't want what happened to Dr. Simmons to happen to you. Or worse."


"Yes, child, worse. Now we haven't much time before these men come to take you away, so I want you to listen to me very-- No, no, child, stop mooing, stop it now. Don't cry. Just listen. You stay with these people. You stay with them, and you learn from them. Someday, maybe things will be different, and you'll be treated like a person by the law, but until then, if you haven't got an owner, you're... in danger. So stay with them, and do what they say, and whatever you do, you stay clear of a group that call themselves ARGENT, do you hear me?"

"Who are they? The people you want me to stay with, Ah mean."

"It's a touring group, Bessie. 'Doc Holliday's Traveling Wild West Show.' They're willing to pay enough that I can hopefully pay back ARGENT. If I can, I'll convince them you died at birth."

"Th-three years ago. Juuuuunnnnne Nineteenth."

"Yes, child, three years ago."

"Dr. Smith?"

"Yes, Bessie?"

"Is... is there anything Ah c'n do?"

"No, child. There's nothing anyone can do. Wait. Yes there is. Live. Have fun."


"Yes, fun. Like you had fun with Dr. Simmons."

"'Kay. Dr. Smith?"


"Will... will Ah see you again?"

"I hope so."

Recent Activities

"Ah take life one day at a time. Some days're more eventful than others, but Ah think it works out."
Bessie currently resides with Skarius Snowtalon, due to the need to separate her from the Wild West show for the protection of staff and patrons, as well as a need to provide protection for her from ARGENT. In the interim, she has taken up crimefighting, though she does so under close watch from UNTIL.

UNTIL Incident Report 06022013-Millen-7

Mission Date: 2/6/2013
Mission Location: Millennium City, Michigan, USA
Mission Contact: N/A
Support Operator: Serenity Carpenter
Responding Agent: Skarius Snowtalon
Freelance Operatives: Sentinel, Muscle Wizard, Riou Hotaru, Mr. Blank, Lorna Pyrel, Leonard Castellar
Other Notable Parties: Bovine Uplift "Bessie"

2/6/2013: Agent Snowtalon, investigating a technologies investment firm (Emerald Pyramid, LLC) with possible ties to ARGENT, noted an odd discrepancy in its public records: Despite its corporate mission statement and status as a technologies-related investment firm, the company had recently invested a large sum of money into one "Doc Holliday's Travellin' Wild West Show". Upon further research, Agent noted that said show was scheduled for an appearance in Millennium City, where Agent is based. Agent set out to investigate at approx. 1345 local time.

1350: Agent on site at Wild West Show fairgrounds, notes typical carnival fare with Wild West facade. Agent notes no suspicious activity at this time.

1400: Scheduled beginning of show's main event, "Bessie, the Rootin'est, Tootin'est, Ropin'est, Shootin'est Cowgirl in the World". Act is introduced, Bessie comes on stage. Agent notes Bessie is either Metahuman or Uplift: a large female bipedal bovine. Bessie proceeds to perform "competent" demonstration of trick roping skills, coupled with a demonstration of superhuman strength estimated around class 8.

1405: During Bessie's act, at the beginning of the trick shooting demonstration, Agent notes several members of audience moving purposefully towards stage area. Without probable cause, no action taken at this time.

1407: Bessie notes audience members previously noted by Agent, appears flustered. She attempts to go on with the show, but her weapon appears to misfire. Within seconds after misfire, a flashbang grenade detonates near the stage. (Note: Bessie has since identified the "misfire" as having been deliberate misdirection. See her file regarding "Flash in the Pan" rounds.) Freelance/Agent engagement of ARGENT forces begins at this point:

  • When effects of flashbang wear off, Bessie is no longer visible to audience. Audience members previously noted by Agent pull restricted, illegally concealed (please see [MCL 28.422]) high-technology weapons. Agent moves to intercept. Several freelance operatives (note Freelancer Operatives Involved section of report) reveal themselves to be in the audience.
  • Armed audience members, now confirmed to be operatives of ARGENT, attempt flanking maneuver of audience area, dispatch two of their number to retrieve "package", at this time believed to be Bessie. Agent engages ARGENT operatives, as do Freelancera Lorna Pyrel, Muscle Wizard, and Leonard Castellar. Freelancer Riou Hotaru begins civilian crowd control.
  • Freelancer Muscle Wizard attempts to intercept ARGENT operatives dispatched in pursuit of Bessie. Agent and other Freelancers continue to engage ARGENT. Freelancer Hotaru successfully extracts civilian populace from crossfire. Freelancer Castellan advises friendlies to take cover.
  • ARGENT routed. Agent contacts Emergency Services for medical treatment and arrest of ARGENT operatives. Six remaining non-casualty ARGENT forces attempting retreat. Mu-class transdimensional event occurs, centered on ground beneath fleeing operatives' feet.
  • Freelancer Muscle Wizard, having apprehended operatives pursuing Bessie, attempts to clear ARGENT operatives from transdimensional event's area of effect by using apprehended operatives as projectiles, knocks two operatives out of area of effect. Remaining four ARGENT operatives cross event boundary into alternate plane characterized as "demoniac" by HERMES investigators. Freelancer Pyrel voluntarily crosses through event in a rescue attempt. Mu-class event collapses.

1429: Freelancer Castellan attempts location of Bessie via extraplanar migration. Agent and Freelancer Muscle Wizard interrogate non-critical ARGENT operatives regarding their activities and interest in Bessie.

1434: Operatives make specific mention of ARGENT project codename "Ophidia" concerning VIPER chemical agent Draysha. Details unknown by operatives at their level. Freelancer Castellan reports success at locating Bessie in Millennium City's Westside district. Agent moves to intercept.

1435: Agent encounters Bessie in headlong flight through Westside. Subject suffers accidental collision with housing structure. Agent notes damage to structure indicates subject posesses superhuman durability. Also notes subject recovers from injuries sustained at accelerated rate.

1438: Agent accompanies subject to fairgrounds, questions her regarding "Project Ophidia". Subject claims ignorance of project with that name. During questioning, subjects Uplift status is revealed. Agent notes legal issues involved in subject's status preclude her simply going into hiding.

Agent and Freelancers impress upon show owner Emmanuel "Doc" Holliday the dangers presented by subject's presence in his show coupled with ARGENT interest in her, propose transfer of legal ownership from show to UNTIL, in the person of Agent. Holliday agrees to proposal.

Freelancer Pyrel returns at this time with all four ARGENT operatives affected by transdimensional event.

Support Operations contacted, incident closed at this time.

Operator Notes: Agent assumes temporary responsibility for Uplift Bessie's housing and maintenance pending change in legal status, ownership status, or UNTIL policy. Bessie given psychological examination by UNTIL, determined to be mentally sound, highly intelligent, with slightly stunted emotional development for her chronological age (at time of incident, 7 years 8 months.), consistent with cases of childhood bullying. She suffers from severe nightmares on occasion, which concern her developing a tumorous growth which rapidly overtakes her body.

Subject filed with PRIMUS under American Super Powers Registration Act, issued standard Freelance license under section 10 of said Act. Advised by UNTIL to consult with other area Freelancers and defer to their judgement in the absence of qualified UNTIL, PRIMUS, or local law enforcement authorities.

Subject issued standard-issue communicator per UNTIL Policy 7439CRP, local freelance coordination project.


"These're th' people what know me, and what Ah know them too, Ah reckon."

Texas A&M University Genetics Lab

"This's where Ah wuz born at. It's where Ah got what learnin' Ah got, too."

  • Dr. Smith - Director of the program that produced Bessie. Personally sold her to Doc Holliday's Travellin' Wild West Show. Cold and aloof, but his last exchange with Bessie indicated it was possibly a forced attempt not to grow attached to her.
  • Dr. Simmons - Second only to Dr. Smith in the lab heirarchy, Dr. Simmons was the only one in the lab Bessie felt any real attachment for. According to Dr. Smith, he was murdered by "very bad people." ARGENT may be involved.
  • Students - Various students came through the lab through the five semesters Bessie lived there. Most avoided her out of fear of the unknown or embarrassment. A few were at best insensitive.

Doc Holliday's Travellin' Wild West Show

"We put on the best goldurn show on God's green Earth, y'all. And the grub ain't too shabby, none, neither!"

  • Emmanuel "Doc" Holliday - No relation to the famed gunman, the eponymous "Doc Holliday" dresses very much like a foreigner trying to pass himself off as a Texan.

Emerald Pyramid, LLC

"Ah don't trust these fellers none."

Emerald Pyramid, LLC
This corporation has been linked to ARGENT by UNTIL and actions have been taken to shut their operations in all UN Member Nations. "Doc" Holliday borrowed the money from them to purchase Bessie from Dr. Smith, but has since repaid them. Still, he's noticed the company's logo, or other symbols like it, on the clothes of some of the people attending his show in every town since then.


"Ah reckon a friend's someone'll help share yer load. Ah'll tell ya, pardner, that's a tall order."

  • Skarius Snowtalon - Bessie has nothing but admiration for the draconic UNTIL agent. He was among the group who rescued her from ARGENT, gave her a place to stay, and is working towards getting her a legal status other than "experimental animal". It doesn't hurt that they share a mutual admiration for quality firearms.
  • Muscle Wizard - Another member of the group that rescued Bessie from ARGENT. Bessie thinks Muscle Wizard is not only quite a hero, but just a generally good person. She thinks he's funny, and funny is something that's been missing from her life up until now.
  • Lorna Pyrel - Another ARGENT rescuer. Bessie doesn't know much about this fae woman other than the fact she showed genuine concern for Bessie's plight due to the latter's status as an experimental animal, and as far as Bessie's concerned, that makes her a good friend.
  • Wyvern - Bessie considers Wyvern a very good friend, and is very concerned about the Draysha exposure that gave her her powers. They've spent a bit of time together socially, and Bessie has even invited the heroine into her (really Snowtalon's) home in order to get a sample of her DNA to analyze, in the hopes of finding and dealing with potential consequences of her Draysha exposure.
  • Dr. Yaargaarble - Bessie just loves Dr. Yaargaarble. Muscle Wizard's sorcerous mentor makes the bovine girl laugh, an ability that she shares with her pupil, Muscle Wizard. Bessie's been to her fascinating library a few times, and never failed to enjoy herself, even if some of the conversations go over her head.


"Ah reckon ya live long enough, yer bound ta meet some folks ya don't see eye-ta-eye with."


A.N.G.U.S. - Status: Incarcerated
"Feller packs a heck of a whallop!"

"One big ol' heap o' UGLY"

The ARGENT Neo-Genetic Uniform Soldier project was designed to reproduce what Project Ophidia mistakenly believed to be Dr. Smith's success in using synthesized Draysha to combine human and animal DNA, creating Bessie. Unfortunately for them, and for anyone else who would meet the permanently-enraged powerhouse known as A.N.G.U.S., the project was entirely misguided: Bessie was the result of carefully engineered retrotransposons and planning, not merely a mix of human and animal DNA supercharged by the (ultimately failed) reconstruction of VIPER's formula.

A.N.G.U.S. was dispatched by ARGENT to retrieve Bessie so they could try to determine what, precisely, Dr. Smith did in creating her and attempt to recreate his results. Since then, he's been barely kept in check by the mercenaries sent along with him.

STATUS: Currently in Stronghold Penitentiary

A Rumbling on the Horizon

Bessie first got wind of ANGUS when he was tasked by his masters with obtaining an ancient artifact from the Millennium City museum. The artifact itself, it turns out, didn't matter. What mattered was testing his effectiveness in combat, and though he was a powerhouse, Bessie had obtained the aid of some nearby heroes in driving him off.

Chemical Spill

The next time Bessie heard from ANGUS, she was faced with the threat of a new chemical on the streets of Millennium City. Before destroying the shipments, she took two souvenirs: a sample of the drug, and the communications device of one of the mercenaries. Her analysis of the drug was inconclusive, but highly suggestive. She saw evidence that it contained as one of its ingredients the very synthetic Draysha that Dr. Smith had been working on when she lived in the A&M Genetics Lab.

The communicator would prove itself valuable very soon.

Saying No

Bessie faces her first nemesis in one-on-one combat...

Bessie tracked her would-be match to a warehouse in Westside, where the faux-Draysha drug was being packaged. Though there were no samples of the drug to be found, ANGUS himself was there, and the two began a showdown.

...and prevails.
In the end, Bessie was successful in bringing down the rampaging bull, and he was taken into custody, only to escape enroute to Millennium City jail with the aid of a mercenary rescue party.

From the Snake's Mouth

Having lost their entire shipment of the rage-inducing drug, ANGUS's masters sought to recoup their losses by obtaining more Draysha -- the real thing, this time. They dispatched a group of mercenaries to a VIPER base in Canada. Fortunately, Bessie received the same dispatch the mercenaries did, thanks to the communicator she'd obtained from one earlier, and was able to get the assistance of fellow heroine Katerra to stop the raid before the mercenaries escaped the base.

Though they had to fight their way past both VIPER and the ARGENT mercenaries, Bessie and Katerra were successful not only in stopping ANGUS's masters from getting more Draysha, but in shutting down one of the VIPER production plants that had been a thorn in UNTIL's side until then.

Same Song, Same Dance

Bessie was able to put her mercenary communicator to good use yet again, intercepting orders for the mercs to meet up with ANGUS at a laboratory on Monster Island, where they would be putting the latest version of the synthesized Draysha to the test. Thanks to her frequent visits to the island on UNTIL-supported business (attempting to serve as a liaison to the Beastfolk), she was able to track down the base in short order, in time to -- once again -- nearly catch up to the rampaging bull himself.

Though he got away, she was able to destroy his data, as well as all of the synthesized Draysha at that location.

Now, she has only to wait for ANGUS or his masters to make the next move.

Slipping the Leash

Bessie's next hint as to ANGUS's location came as a surprise -- one of the mercenaries dispatched to capture her also had received intercept orders that indicated ANGUS had slipped out of his masters' control and was planning jobs on his own. Enlisting the aid of fellow heroes Ghost Owl and Shifter, she attempted to foil ANGUS's planned theft of high tech components required for his solo efforts.

Though ANGUS got away with the needed equipment, the heroes left for Monster Island in hot pursuit.

Final Showdown

Between Bessie's knowledge of ANGUS's mental state and Shifter's enhanced senses, they were able to track the mutated bull to his headquarters, where he revealed the true extent of his plans -- he had not only broken free of his masters, he had freed others of his kind from their laboratories as well.

Convinced of his own superiority, ANGUS planned to purge humanity from the world with a colossal death ray apparently left behind by the prior occupant of his new headquarters -- the stolen parts' purpose was now clear.

Between the three heroes, and despite the remarkable number of mercenaries ANGUS had managed to sway to his cause, both ANGUS's plans and his freedom were put to an end.

Unfortunately, this still left the hanging question: who had created him, and why?

Unknown Mastermind

Security footage of Asst. Director Roberts during her attempted prison break of Green Dragon.

The capture of ANGUS did not end his former masters' interest in Bessie. In fact, it only made acquiring her a higher priority. They immediately dispatched another agent to succeed where the mutated bull had failed.

The identity of this assailant has finally been revealed as second-in-command of Project Ophidian, Assistant Director Roberts. Parent company ARGENT has officially denied all connection to the project and its members, and apparently severed all ties with it at this time.

Recruiting Drive

Prior to confronting Bessie directly, the as-yet unidentified mastermind attempted to recruit known villain-for-hire "Green Dragon". The fact that he was incarcerated posed no obstacle to this recruitment. The fact that Bessie was on-hand, following up her investigation into ANGUS's origins, however, was.

Though Green Dragon remains in custody, Roberts herself got away. At this point, the only information anyone has to go on is Bessie's assertion that the person in question has a human scent.

Cave In

Bessie tracked the unknown assailant's activities to the deserts of Nevada, and a scheme to harvest a tissue sample from the legendary villain Ghost Veil. When Ghost Veil herself awakened, the mastermind escaped, and Bessie, along with the mysterious Drifter, battled to re-seal Ghost Veil yet again.

My Clone Sleeps Alone (Part 1)

Given the knowledge accrued so far, UNTIL began tracking shipments of biomatter to various facilities around the world, looking for a clue to locate Assistant Director Roberts' genetics lab. They sent Bessie to a lab in Canada, where Roberts had reactivated an old cloning facility. Upon arrival there, Bessie was able to dismantle the facility, but the chief researcher had already been dealt with by Roberts herself in an effort to cover her tracks.

The failed clones of Robert Bisselle, however, pointed to her goal, and Bessie was hot on her heels.

My Clone Sleeps Alone (Part 2)

With the aid of fellow heroine Nashwa, Bessie cornered Assistant Director Roberts in the Millennium City city hall. Between the two, Roberts' robotic henchmen proved to be no match, and, though Roberts managed to escape, the Mayor was saved from yet another villainous assault, and Roberts' plans foiled for the moment.


Legal Status

"Mister Snowtalon's the BEST"
Until recently, Bessie was the physical property of UNTIL, and her DNA was the intellectual property of Texas A&M University. As an animal, despite her intelligence levels, she had no legal rights in the United States.

Thanks to the concerted efforts of Skarius Snowtalon, she is now a legal citizen of the United States, but her DNA remains the intellectual property of Texas A&M.

Important Note: As no one is sure about her expected lifespan -- theoretically, Bessie could live indefinitely -- or emotional development rate, she is legally a dependent minor with guardianship assigned to a designated UNTIL representative.

Other Heroes on Bessie

"Come on, y'all, let ole Bessie know what ya think about 'er!"

Character Tropes

"What in the Sam Hill are tropes, anyway?"

  • Ev'rything's Big in Texas - Bessie lives this trope.
  • Genius Bruiser - Even discounting her expertise in biochemistry and genetics, Bessie is quite intelligent, having an IQ over 160.
  • Gun Fu - Part of Bessie's fighting style is an incorporation of her trick shooting with raw physical power.
  • Gun Porn - Bessie will lovingly describe every detail of her revolvers if given a chance.
  • Hand Cannon - Bessie's .55 caliber Brahmas are absolutely enormous, custom built for her large, two-fingered hands. There are larger revolvers out there, but they are extremely rare, extremely valuable, and none of them see as much use in a year as Bessie's did in a day.
  • Hidden Depths - In most regards, Bessie is emotionally a child, only slightly more developed than a human her age. She's simple in many ways, though clearly not stupid. Put her in a situation that requires expertise in genetics or biochemistry, however, and watch her go to work.
  • Mah Instincts're Showin' - Bessie's speech degrades when she's upset, causing her to drag out her Ns and Ms. When she's very frightened, she will stampede, not stopping until she's exhausted, distracted, or physically stopped.
  • What Measure is a Non-Human - Bessie's legal status is "Experimental Animal", making her the property of UNTIL.

RP Hooks

"Now y'all're jes' makin' words up. Arpee? Ah know what a hook is, an' Ah don' want any o' that nonsense comin' near me!"

  • Let's face it, even in the Champions universe, a talking cow who's a cowgirl is a bit of a novelty. She'll have shown up on the local news a time or two whenever the Wild West show came to town.
  • Also, she was the headliner of the Wild West show.
  • Between shows, when she could get her handler to agree to it, Bessie visited elementary schools, day care centers, and particularly hospital children's wards.
  • Now that she's living in one city and free to come and go as she pleases, Bessie visits the James Harmon III Memorial Children's Ward at Mercy Hospital every Saturday in the early afternoon.


"Now why in the heck is there a blank section here?"
Note: The following section is incredibly OOC, containing information even Bessie doesn't know about herself and her history. It is included so that players whose characters might have a connection to the events in question can have an idea what might or might not work. Please contact me OOC via my discussion page, in-game /tells or emails, or on the CORP forums before incorporating this information into an RP with Bessie.

Bessie's Creation and Physiology

  • Funding for the project which created Bessie came, in large part, from ARGENT front corporations, who wanted noted Dr. Smith in debt to them in an effort to gain leverage over one of the more notable geneticists not already working for a major think tank.
  • Bessie was intended as a test case for production of healthier milk for babies. The original concept was similar to the so-called "Spider Goat" experiment, except that instead of producing spider-silk proteins, Bessie was intended to be an almost completely normal dairy cow whose milk would be identical to human mothers' milk and contain the requisite antibodies that babies receive when breast-feeding. The mix of human and bovine DNA was about as haphazard as it gets, however, and the end result was nowhere near what was intended. All Bessie is aware of regarding this experiment is that Dr. Smith referred to her as "a failure", and she took it personally, striving for perfection in everything she did in a vain effort to change his opinion of her.
  • There are a number of side-effects to Bessie's combination of human and bovine genetics, some of which she is aware of, and some she is not. They are as follows:
    • Bessie is actually an omnivore. Her digestive tract is nearly as hardy as that of a normal bovine, but has some aspects of the human digestive system to it (half as many stomachs as a cow, for example), and even normal herbivores can digest meat far more readily than carnivores can digest plants. Regardless, she thinks of herself as an herbivore, and the thought of eating meat makes her queasy. In addition, Bessie is quite aware that Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy ("Mad Cow" Disease) is most commonly spread through bovines by the inclusion of tissues from infected cattle into the feed of non-infected cattle (commonly in the form of bone meal), so she is especially wary of beef products for more reasons than the "squicky cannibal thingy".
    • Given her mix of human and bovine physiology and genetics, Bessie is a veritable nightmare in terms of potential disease. Though her healing factor prevents her from succumbing to this broader spectrum of diseases, and her superhuman immune system generally fights them off rapidly, she is well aware that she represents a prime opportunity for crossover in the diseases she might be infected with. Consequently, if she gets so much as a sniffle, she quarantines herself immediately.
    • Whether or not Bessie would be cross-fertile between humans, bovines, or both will forever be an academic question. The fact is, she is completely infertile. It is for this reason that, despite being physically completely mature, she has neither a human nor a bovine estrus cycle, and has absolutely no sex drive. Her sole interest in the opposite sex is platonic, colored by her perception of societal mores.
    • Bessie's physical development was at a bovine rate. Due to her infertility, she will always be a heifer, as she is unable to bear calves herself. She reached this stage of development at the age of 14 months.
    • Bessie's healing factor has essentially stopped her aging process. Her body naturally produces telomerase, which prevents her cells' DNA from reaching the Hayflick Limit wherein the telomeric chromosomes binding DNA together are no longer large enough to allow mitosis. (In essence, all of her cells have characteristics similar to stem cells.) Bessie is aware of this, and lives in terror of developing cancer: due to the accelerated rate at which her cells can divide, a malignant tumor could proceed from a single cell to a life-threatening growth in a matter of hours or less. It is for this reason that she spends time with cancer victims, particularly children near her own age.

Project Ophidia (ARGENT)

Project Ophidia was the ARGENT codename for an attempt to develop a safe, powerful, fast-acting super-serum. Rather than begin at square one, top (devious) minds at ARGENT determined that the best way to go about this would be to obtain and then reverse-engineer an existing serum. The serum they chose was the VIPER-developed aerosol agent known as Draysha. Here is how that project connects to Bessie's history:

  • When Bessie was about six months old, and already making herself frighteningly useful in an attempt to prove to Dr. Smith that she wasn't a failure (see above), his investors approached him, requiring him to work on a pet project of theirs. This was the synthesis of a more stable, customizable variant of Draysha from chemical samples provided by the client.
  • Bessie herself worked on the project, particularly useful in determining the degree and type of genetic damage done by exposure to the unmodified chemical agent, and in devising treatments for scenarios in which the damage causes genetic instability in the user, particularly in the cases of overdose and genetic drift.
  • Dr. Smith signed off on Bessie's findings, agreeing with her determination 100% after reviewing the associated data. The report he gave to ARGENT (though at the time, he didn't know that was who he was reporting to) was that the unnamed chemical he had been given had too much variance in its results, and that it could not be repurposed without risking even more undesirable mutations than it already produced. It was at this point that he began to warm to her, though his demeanor was always curt, leading her to believe he didn't like her. The students who came through his laboratory, however, noticed the fact that the notoriously elitist professor actually paid attention to Bessie's ideas, and most of them felt jealous of what they viewed as a "jumped-up lab rat". It was at this point Bessie began to undergo subtle emotional abuse from the students, which continued throughout her time at the laboratory mainly because new students took their cue from returning students without understanding the motivations behind their treatment of the cow-girl. By the time Bessie left the labs, no one there knew why she was treated so badly, and few even noticed that she was.
  • Not knowing that Bessie was the product of the experiment they had funded, ARGENT found out about the presence of the Uplifted bovine from a graduate that ended up working directly for them on Project Ophidia. Once the former student learned of the project and its connection to Dr. Smith, the (erroneous) conclusion was drawn that Bessie was one of the test subjects for the project, and that Dr. Smith had concealed a clear success when he reported that the effects of Draysha exposure were too unpredictable to rely on.
  • Based on this determination, ARGENT makes a more direct "appeal" to Dr. Smith. While he is still unaware of the true nature of the organization that funded him, Dr. Smith is acutely aware that he is in over his head, and begins looking for a way of getting the program out from under ARGENT's thumb before anyone is hurt.
  • Someone is hurt: Specifically, Dr. Simmons, who is second in the lab's hierarchy and likely to succeed Dr. Smith should the latter retire, is assassinated by ARGENT operatives. Simmons' home is ransacked and valuables are taken in order to conceal the connection between the victim and perpetrator. Smith digs into the public history of the investment firm and stumbles on a conspiracy site that links the corporation to ARGENT, detailing the conglomerate's history of terrorist connections and international criminal activities.
  • Smith panics. At this point, he has two goals:
  1. Sever all connections with ARGENT without letting them know he knows who they are.
  2. protect Bessie, whom ARGENT clearly has an unwarranted interest in, from exploitation.

In addition to caring about the young bovine, he has seen her physical capabilities, and the thought of an army of Bessies, all mature, fully trained, and ready for combat within two years of gestation, frankly horrifies him. He concludes that his best bet is to find an innocuous buyer for the bovine, and use the money from her sale to pay off ARGENT, thus killing two birds with one stone: getting Bessie away from the laboratory and out of ARGENT's notice, and getting clean money with which to pay off the debt.

  • ARGENT gets wind of Smith's attempts to sell Bessie. Unaware of Smith's true motivations, they see this as a prime opportunity. Finding a potential buyer in the list of people Smith has contacted, they have an operative posing as an investment banker intercept "Doc" Holliday at a truck stop and subtly steer the conversation towards subjects that would cause Holliday to bring up Bessie. The operative then expresses an interest in the bovine girl and offers to draw up a standard investment contract, citing the novelty of a "genuine cow-girl" as a potential source of ROI in order to allay Holliday's concerns.
  • Holliday agrees, buys Bessie with funds provided by ARGENT front company Emerald Pyramid, LLC. ARGENT bides their time, preparing to reactivate Project Ophidia. As soon as their labs are up to speed, they begin preparations to buy out the Wild West show per the terms of the contract Holliday signed.
  • Holliday, ecstatic at the money coming in with his new main attraction, and not comfortable with having any debt hanging over him, unwittingly foils ARGENT's plans by paying off the investment firm in record time. This necessitates a change in plans for the group. They begin dispatching covert operatives in each of the towns visited by the Wild West show in order to plan the outright theft of what they feel should have been their property in the first place.
  • The day ARGENT moves on their plans, the Wild West show is in Millennium City, MI, and a number of heroes are on hand for various reasons. The heroes successfully thwart ARGENT's attempt, and UNTIL operative Skarius Snowtalon explains the nature of the threat to the Wild West Show. Holliday makes the decision to sell Bessie to UNTIL immediately, and Snowtalon takes legal possession of Bessie.
  • ARGENT, realizing that Bessie is out of their reach while she is under UNTIL protection, bide their time, waiting for an opportunity to seize the cow-girl, and still completely unaware of her true connection to the Project Ophidia research.
  • As of 2/9/2013, Bessie is aware of her involvement with this project, having had what Draysha is and does explained to her, but is not sure what ARGENT wants her for.


"Why, shore Ah'll pose fer a picture 'r two!"

Fun Facts

"'Cuz learnin's fun!"

  • Bessie's somewhere between a serious character and a joke character: On the serious side, I wanted to work with the Champions lore regarding nonhuman characters, and how badly they get the shaft legally. On the joke side, she's a cow cowgirl. Come on, I HAD to.
  • Bessie's stats were determined in the Palladium Role Playing Game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Other Strangeness.
  • Bessie is a Longhorn from Texas A&M, two schools with a long-standing football rivalry. Because I think it's funny.
  • Bessie's birthday was chosen deliberately for two reasons.
    • The first is because it's my wife's birthday.
    • The second is because it's a Texas state holiday that's significant to one of the themes of the character.


  • Wild West Show theme song: Cows with Guns by Dana Lyons
  • Bessie's favorite song: The Thunder Rolls by Garth Brooks. As smart as she is, she doesn't really grasp the relationship stuff. All she knows is it's about being on the road, and there's a girl with a gun in the end of it.
  • Bessie's Actual theme song: The Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer, a sweeping piece most associated with The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Bessie's Cow Pun Collections

There's something about Bessie that invites paronomasia. We just can't help it, one person has a beef with her concept, and then everyone just follows the herd, and we all milk it until we're udderly overwhelmed. Here are some prime examples.

Individual Puns

  • Credit goes to Pallas001 for Bessie's cowliber pun, though she suggested it be applied to her guns.
  • GFN asked "Bessie knows how old she is, right? Or can she not cownt?"
  • [9:13] Pirouette@The-Mender: she's a work of Comoooooody
  • [7:04] Lorna@LorannaPyrel: oh, there's the beefcake :)
  • [17:37] Momentus@G.Polaris: ((Cow powers, Lactivate!))

Pun Stampedes

After Her First RP Session (2/6/2013)

[5:54] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (Bessie must TRAMPLE evil in her wake.)

[5:54] Snowtalon@Dabbs3352: (ow that pun was hurtful)

[5:54] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (And milk her rewards for all they're worth.)

[5:55] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (So she had best moove on to gain levels.)

[5:56] Snowtalon@Dabbs3352: *facepalms*

[5:56] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (And don't get me started on my dairy puns.)

[5:56] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (Be afraid. Be dairy afraid.)

[5:57] Snowtalon@Dabbs3352: (I'm torn between loving or hating you.)

[5:57] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: (Do both!)

[5:57] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: I think I just caused both Black and Dabbs to suffer 10d6 pun damage.

[5:58] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Oh, please. Do you think I was cowed by those puns? It would be-hoof you to think again.

[5:59] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: Please. I give you only the dairy best puns.

[5:59] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: Also, I heard Bessie can dance. Can she teach me cow to Dougie?

[5:59] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: I don't think you cud possible know who you're messing with. I will destroy you udderly.

[6:00] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: ^POSSIBLY, even.

[6:00] Whirlwind@bloodrose114: *quietly slips away from the cow puns*

[6:00] Soldier Boy@darkblade98: you guys are sort of milking this now

[6:01] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: I...wait, I can come up with something. Dammit DB, you stole my milk pun.

[6:01] Westside

[6:02] Whirlwind@bloodrose114: I think you people should Moove on to something else.

[6:02] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: So, little-known fact: in addition to genetics, biochem, gunsmithing, and her tricks, Bessie knows Unix.

[6:02] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: In fact, she runs a webholstein service.

[6:02] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: And I'm done. That hurt even me.

[6:03] You have collected 1,000 resource points!

[6:03] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: *Flipflipflip* Ah! Here we go. Bessie reads stories to kids all the time. Especially the classic Grimm's Dairy Tales.

[6:04] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: And that's pretty impressive. Does Bessie have a doctorate?

[6:04] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: No, she doesn't even have a Moosters degree oh god I thought I was done.

[6:04] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Her knowledge comes from living in a genetics lab 24/7 for her formative year.

[6:04] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: And a half.

[6:05] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: Alas. So until she travels through time, we can't call her Doctor Moo.

[6:06] Whirlwind@bloodrose114: This is starting to get out of hoof...

[6:06] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: ...One last one. Little known fact. Under Bessie's citizenship form, under race, she put Cowcausian.

[6:07] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Why are we doing this now, after I closed Pidgin? These must be immortalized in her PDB.

[6:08] Muscle Wizard@Sorune: They should be. Moove all of these into her PDB.

When discussing lack of hair on bestial heads (2/10/2013)

(10:42:32 PM) Sorune: Poor Bessie.

(10:42:37 PM) Sorune: She needs some heavy plastic surgery.

(10:42:49 PM) Sorune: Especially if she ever wants to go into the moovies.

(10:43:32 PM) LorannaPyrel: . . that was bad

(10:43:36 PM) blackwolfe042: I've been advised that the Jack Fool mask has been used by people to make minotaurs, so I'll be grinding the HELL out of oh my god another one for the wall of puns.

(10:43:43 PM) PFCDoofles: For that pun you should be slaughtered.

(10:43:57 PM) PFCDoofles: I am going to tan your hide.

(10:44:18 PM) PFCDoofles: But I guess that's just my 2%.

(10:44:23 PM) blackwolfe042: >_<

(10:44:34 PM) JaceTheDragon: Blackwolfe, now

(10:44:36 PM) JaceTheDragon: For that pun

(10:44:42 PM) JaceTheDragon: You must make an Earthpower Minotaur

(10:44:51 PM) JaceTheDragon: Named "Ground Beef"

(10:46:00 PM) Sorune: Yes, yes. I'm very ashamed.

(10:46:05 PM) Sorune: But Doof, to err is human.

(10:46:09 PM) Sorune: To forgive, bovine.

(10:46:10 PM) superknight0101: I think you're just milking it

(10:46:12 PM) PFCDoofles: don't do it!

(10:46:13 PM) PFCDoofles: NOOO

(10:46:13 PM) CapsLockRAGE: Boo!

(10:46:21 PM) PFCDoofles: MOO! MOO ON YOU!

(10:46:25 PM) Sorune: =D

(10:47:21 PM) Sorune: And so far as tanning goes, better late than leather?

(10:47:27 PM) blackwolfe042: I don't think I've herd that one before, Sorune.

(10:48:08 PM) Sorune: It's a good thing Bessie didn't grow up in Germany.

(10:48:32 PM) blackwolfe042: Oh no.

(10:48:37 PM) blackwolfe042: I sense a hamburger joke coming.

(10:48:55 PM) Sorune: She might've inspired Andrew Lloyd Weber to write a different book-the Black Cowldron

(10:48:58 PM) PFCDoofles: Frankfurters are also made of beef.

(10:49:07 PM) JaceTheDragon: ... Sorune that was -terrible-

(10:49:10 PM) Sorune: I was going to make a hamburger joke, until Wolfe spoke up.

(10:49:22 PM) Sorune: And make these puns, becowse I care.

(10:49:30 PM) PFCDoofles: bull.

(10:49:31 PM) JaceTheDragon: HUURRRRGH

(10:49:51 PM) superknight0101: Cowphing up something?

(10:50:08 PM) JaceTheDragon: Too many plays on words

(10:50:11 PM) PFCDoofles: You make these puns because you've got momentum. Like some kind of large beast in a group that has been frightened into running.

(10:50:24 PM) PFCDoofles: For the life of me I can't think of an animal to compare it to.

(10:50:24 PM) superknight0101: More like moomentum...

(10:50:26 PM) JaceTheDragon: Soccer fans?

(10:50:38 PM) blackwolfe042: Doofles wins. Implied pun > actual pun.

(10:50:47 PM) Sorune: So you're cowtioning me from making these puns?

(10:50:55 PM) PFCDoofles: Best in show. Blue ribbon.

(10:51:16 PM) superknight0101: That is udderly impossible

(10:52:38 PM) JaceTheDragon: If you people insist on wrangling up this brand of humor, I may have to steer it in a different direction.

(10:53:39 PM) PFCDoofles: So you're saying that you can't think of anything choice?

(10:53:51 PM) Sorune: So, I know Bessie knows a lot about science.

(10:53:59 PM) Sorune: Did she study Isaac Mooton?

(10:54:27 PM) superknight0101: Or maybe Pasture?

(10:54:27 PM) PFCDoofles: Neil degrass Tyson.

(10:54:42 PM) Sorune: She would've had to go to Moo Orleans for that, Doof.

(10:54:49 PM) superknight0101: It's a double Pun

(10:56:56 PM) superknight0101: Steer away from Thundrax

(10:57:10 PM) Sorune: I also hear that Bessie's going to co-star in the Hellgrazer movies.

(10:57:14 PM) superknight0101: Udder a single word and we will be put to pasture

(10:58:31 PM) superknight0101: Let me get a good run, work on my calves...

(10:58:39 PM) blackwolfe042: STAHP

(10:58:45 PM) superknight0101: DX

(10:58:54 PM) superknight0101: Okay

(10:59:08 PM) PFCDoofles: yeah guys. Whoah there. Whoah.

(10:59:55 PM) blackwolfe042: Every time I think you guys are done, I'm all, okay NOW I can save my edit, and I do and then you just keep going. You're horning in on my Akibaranger watching!

(11:00:02 PM) Sorune: =D

(11:00:10 PM) PFCDoofles: Longhorning in.

(11:00:14 PM) Sorune: We do it becowse we ca-wait, I used that one already.

(11:00:38 PM) superknight0101: Get some calfinated coffee

(11:01:33 PM) blackwolfe042: Seriously, cud you guys maybe beef up your repertoires a bit? (Says the guy reusing two puns in one line.)

(11:01:54 PM) Sorune: I think I'm out for now.

(11:07:35 PM) superknight0101: Don't chew the fat with Bessie, you cud hide your hide before she gets diary dangerous. And you would need to udder a prayer cause mess with the bull, you get the horns

"Y'all just can't stop, can ya?"

10/28/2013 - Cow Punning strikes the CRP IC channel!

[19:41] Brass Beast@stain4: No it justt FEELS funny. Like rubber.
[19:41] Heirarch@Jaxora: Sure, but she'll renege for a paltry sum
[19:42] Brass Beast@stain4: ..WHAT?
[19:43] Heirarch@Jaxora: Paltry, poultry
[19:43] Brass Beast@stain4: I don't GET it.
[19:43] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ya know, Ah been watchin' them DVDs Orson lent me, and they had a bit where a feller taught a chicken ta dance. Poultry in motion.
[19:43] Heirarch@Jaxora: Heh
[19:44] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: Well now. That's just a cock-and-bull... err, cow story.
[19:44] Lady Legion@Vesta18: Did Bessie hear that....?
[19:44] Brass Beast@stain4: I am CONFUSED.
[19:44] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ah heard that, all right. And all's Ah gotta say is ya oughtta be ashamed o' yerself.
[19:45] Heirarch@Jaxora: As punishment, you must Cow Tow.
[19:45] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ah'll determine when yer sufficiently cowed.
[19:45] Heirarch@Jaxora: Of course, we're no cowards
[19:45] Heirarch@Jaxora: Should we steer this conversation elsewhere?
[19:45] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: Yeah. Moo-ving along would be good.
[19:46] Heirarch@Jaxora: I herd ya.
[19:46] Brass Beast@stain4: ...WHY are you all TALKING like WEIRDOS.
[19:46] Heirarch@Jaxora: Cow puns
[19:46] Heirarch@Jaxora: They're a load of bull, i know, but fun.
[19:47] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ah kinda missed all th' puns. Ever since Ah got out of the show, Ah tried ta steer clear of 'em.
[19:47] Heirarch@Jaxora: And we can go on like this....for-heifer.
[19:47] Heirarch@Jaxora: We already did Steer, Bess
[19:47] Brass Beast@stain4: They seem WEIRD and kinda RUDE.
[19:47] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Dangit, ah musta missed it. Ah guess it just grazed me.
[19:47] Heirarch@Jaxora: Well, milk it for all its worth
[19:48] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ah still can't believe Ah been goin' all this time without makin' any o' mah old jokes. UNGULATE me!
[19:48] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: ... That's... um... "and you let me".
[19:48] Heirarch@Jaxora: I dont know what ungulate means
[19:49] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: That's a animal what's got feet that stand on their tiptoes and usually gots hooves.
[19:49] Heirarch@Jaxora: Gotcha
[19:50] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Ah used ta do this fer a livin', ya know. Just 'cause Ah ain't on stage no more don't mean Ah been put out ta pasture.
[19:50] Lady Legion@Vesta18: Are you an anthromorphic bovine?
[19:51] Heirarch@Jaxora: I'd rather avoid the cheesier puns. Mixed with you, they're not kosher.
[19:51] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Are ya kiddin'? This is the cream o' th' crop!
[19:51] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: And yeah, Ah am.
[19:51] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: ...You can't graze on them forever though.
[19:51] Heirarch@Jaxora: If it be-hooves you to make them, then sure
[19:52] Heirarch@Jaxora: We already did graze
[19:52] Heirarch@Jaxora: It's black and white, Yuki, we cant repeat things
[19:52] Heirarch@Jaxora: What, were you raised in a barn?
[19:52] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: That's all right, she cud have missed it.
[19:52] Heirarch@Jaxora: You should have spotted that already
[19:52] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: Oh. Well, I'm gonna Kobe lame somewhere else then.
[19:52] Heirarch@Jaxora: Kobe? The basketball player?
[19:53] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: A place in Japan, famous for their beef.
[19:53] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Look, who's Holstein this little shindig, anyway?
[19:53] Heirarch@Jaxora: Holstein?
[19:53] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: You're udderly uneducated when it comes to cow breeds, aren't you?
[19:54] Heirarch@Jaxora: ...yeah.
[19:54] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Well, ya gotta catch up. There's a lot at steak here.
[19:55] T'lok'sur@dafidenzi: This is painful.
[19:55] Heirarch@Jaxora: ....How the fuck do you wear heels, Bess?
[19:55] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: We're skirting around the terrible ones though.
[19:56] Brass Beast@stain4: This has all gotten FAR away from my question.
[19:56] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: We were gonna go around to flank it.
[19:56] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: What was your question though?
[19:56] Heirarch@Jaxora: Why we're fucking insane
[19:57] T'lok'sur@dafidenzi: [Kef'ret]: Yah, one sec. I'm really fuckin' busy over here.
[19:57] Brass Beast@stain4: I asked IT ages ago. And instead everyone started questioning ME about chicken a-
[19:57] Brass Beast@stain4: KEF.
[19:57] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Despite bein' a cow, Ah'm actually plantigrade. That's, um, not a pun, by the way.
[19:57] Brass Beast@stain4: Where HAVE you been it's been MONTHS.
[19:57] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: I must've missed it.
[19:57] Heirarch@Jaxora: Plantigrade?
[19:57] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: Plantigrade means she walks with flat feet, like humans.
[19:58] T'lok'sur@dafidenzi: [Kef'ret]: Wha'. ...Shit, has it?
[19:58] Yuki Hayashiro@Jhuno: As opposed to digitigrade, which is tip-toe.
[19:59] T'lok'sur@dafidenzi: [Kef'ret]: I barely turn this thing on's why.
[19:59] Bessie the Cow-Girl@blackwolfe042: Based on mah DNA, Ah'm at least part human. Doctor Smith wouldn't tell me what fer, though.
[19:59] Heirarch@Jaxora: Huh.
[19:59] Brass Beast@stain4: Well it SUCKS.

"And now ya got me doin' it! Agh!"