Goblin Girl
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"Undermine their pompous authority, reject their moral standards, make anarchy and disorder your trademarks. Cause as much chaos and disruption as possible but don’t let them take you ALIVE." -- Sid Vicious
Gripping the wheel of her Buick Skylark and exploding down Michigan's 8-Mile Road like a slug from a .45, the Goblin Girl is an original character based on the Orks from Games Workshop's Warhammer 40,000 and Warhammer Fantasy Battle games. GG is still not sure how she got here, but she'll show the Champions "wot a propa' Greenskin can do!"
Contents
Herstory
"Unless there are pictures, I don't admit to anything." -- Courtney Love
It's said that in the grim darkness of the far future there is only war, and nothing could make the Greenskins happier. By the year 40,000 the Orkoids have become the most savage and warlike race in the whole galaxy, with a huge empire divided among thousands of Warlords, all constantly striving to defeat their neighbors whether they're "humies", Eldar or even other Orks! Were the Greenskins ever to unite it's unlikely that anyone could survive against them for very long, but the closest Orkdom has to a king is Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka, Mighty Goff Warlord and Leader of the Waaagh.
All Orks are part fungus and part flesh, and while they appear masculine they're actually genderless creatures that reproduce by releasing spores which grow into a plant-like womb underground. This is the entire basis of the Orkoid ecosystem, producing first Squigs, then Snotlings who cultivate the Squigs and fungus, then Grotz (also known as Gretchin or Goblins) to build the settlements, and finally the Orks themselves. On the backwater planet of Urk however, something hatched from one of Ghazghkull's spores however that their kind hadn't seen since the time of their creation: a female Krork named Gherkin and a throwback to the intelligent and sexually dimorphic species they once were.
Ghazghkull's standard bearer, a pointy-headed Grot named Makari, acted as the unnamed Oddgrrl's nanny and it was only his own extraordinarily luck that kept them both alive during her wild and woolly childhood amongst the Goff clan. Having been called a "goblin girl" many times by Orks dismissive of the little whelp, Gherkin proudly assumed the name as she matured. What she didn't want to assume, however, was the title of Goblin Queen when Ghazghkull declared he was going to marry his daughter! Her father believed that together they could breed a whole new race of Krorks to reunite Orkdom and conquer the galaxy, but Gherkin was having none of that. Running away on the night of their honeymoon, the reluctant Mrs. Ghazghkull embarked on many misadventures across the galaxy before ultimately stealing a Chimera-class armored infantry transport, disappearing through the mysterious Eye of Terror... and discovering an alternate past filled with heroic Champions.
Physiology
"Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up." -- Joan Jett
- The good news is that GG can speak Low Gothic, the common tongue of the human Imperium, which is apparently identical to English. The bad news is that when GG speaks it, her words come out in a Cockney or Estuary English accent. For example, she seems incapable of making the "th" sound and simply spits out an "f" or "v" sound, producing words like "teef", "fings", and "fink" as opposed to "teeth", "things", and "think".
- The canines in GG's lower jaw are so large they resemble small tusks when she opens her mouth, and like all Orkoids she sheds and replaces her sharp teeth on a regular basis. That's fortunate considering teeth are what Greenskins use as money amongst themselves.
- Gherkin is extremely tough, with thick, hard and durable bones capable of withstanding immense punishment. Green blood carries symbiotic algae through her veins, digesting and reconstituting damaged body tissue and even rebuilding major organs, while a body-cavity filling 'fungal soup' effectively replaces the biochemical organs (liver, kidney, spleen, pancreas etc.). Disturbingly, Orkoids are quite capable of having limbs (or even their heads) chopped off and then re-attached before jumping back into the fight. Accordingly, GG has survived countless near-death experiences, such as having a pickaxe driven through her skull and decapitation after sticking her head through the window of a moving train. Assuming it doesn’t finally die in an accident or get killed by an enemy, a Greenskin can live indefinitely!
- GG has a hard flat bone back-plate between her shoulder blades, where a stab is most likely. Only the notoriously untrustworthy and underhanded Hogoblins have an identical adaptation, for of all Greenskins they most closely resemble their Krork ancestors.
- Orkoids are naturally hairless and Gherkin is no exception, which is fortunate considering GG would never shave or wax! Her personal hygiene regimen lasts less than a minute. Consequently anyone forced to spend time with the Goblin Girl should be grateful that the bacteria which causes human body odor does not grow on Greenskins. Her green ponytail is actually made up of Hair Squigs: tiny parasites that clamp onto a Greenskin's tough skin with their mouths, and whose long flowing gills look very much like hair.
Lifestyle
"Punk will never be dead to me. It's my life. I can never just drop this lifestyle. It embodies me." -- Billie Joe Armstrong
- GG is the lead vocalist for the punk rock group Toadstool, an unsigned band that's gained a certain amount of notoriety for being unexceptional musically aside from being extremely loud. Gherkin herself mostly listens to classic punk (e.g. the Sex Pistols, the Ramones, the Buzzcocks, etc.), but has a surprising appreciation for soul, funk and even reggae.
- Gherkin may be the only female Orkoid, but she’s not very feminine. Indeed, the crude Goblin Girl is prone to random acts of sex and violence, flatulence, nose-picking, vomiting, spitting, and more than occasional drunkenness.
- GG's favorite foods include fungi of all kinds and pork (her ideal pizza toppings should come as no surprise to anyone) but she's an unashamed dumpster diver who will eat just about anything. It doesn’t matter if it’s a half-eaten donut in the trash or a dead rat lying in the gutter, she’ll lick her lips and gobble it up.
Gear
"Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death." -- Hunter S. Thompson
- Black is the preferred color of the Goffs and other clans that wear bright colors are mocked as "not propa' Orks" or just plain "weedy". Excessive deviation from the way of the clan is met with derision and the miscreant will certainly get clobbered by any Boss Ork that comes his way. Likewise, GG always wears a black great coat stolen from an Imperial commissar, along with a pair of black steel-toed boots.
"Orkses in never beaten in battle. If we win we win, if we die we die so it don't count as beat. If we runs for it we don't die neither, so we can always come back for anuvver go, see!" -- Anonymous
