All-Star: That's Not My Name!
Aw, jeez, All-Star thought to himself as he raced through the ravaged Millennium City streets on his motorcycle. All around him, killer robot crab things wreaked (Wroked? Wracked?) havoc on nearby surroundings. From their over-sized metal pincers, they fired arrays of high-powered missiles at anyone or anything unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end. The city bustled with heroes in tight outfits and flowing capes jumping and flying around as they set about saving the day, as heroes often tend to do.
Nate Carter (That's All-Star.) was not a hero.
Nate Carter was a government agent with an unfortunate tendency to get involved in the superhero-ing (That's not a word.) world. Be it giant robots, the occasional lich or the power-hungry evil version of some guy with an awful haircut, Nate would always find himself there, guns in hand and wondering just when and how his life began to stray away from shooting terrorists in the face.
As a matter of fact, he had been shooting terrorists in the face just a few short minutes ago. With rubber bullets, of course. He had been sent by his superiors to bust up a small Neo-Nazism cell operating in secrecy in Westside. The skinheads (Is that not politically correct?) were a sloppy mess and very uncharismatic (That's not a word either) on top of that. It only took him an hour to locate them, bust into their hideout and lay down some white-hot lead-based fury. Imagine his surprise when, upon making his way back to his apartment on his motorcycle, a giant hover-ship shaped like a crab descended upon Millennium City and began deploying robot-crabs. Before Nate knew it, he was right in the middle of a large-scale superhero smackdown with little more than two (Really cool) pistols and a (Really cooler) rifle.
With a hard turn to his right, All-Star (And we're back) pulled into Downtown Millennium City only to be confronted by (You guessed it) more robot-crabs. Four of them, to be exact, all closing in on a small family of three. All-Star briefly glimpsed around. All the nearby heroes were engaging robot-crabs in combat or swooping in to save other civilians. Aw, jeez, he thought to himself as he rode towards the crabs, firing a pistol as he did so.
"Get outta here! Run!" he yelled out as the four crabs turned their attentions to him. "Move your asses, people!"
The family, at first taken aback by the sudden arrival of the flag-wearing gunslinger, quickly turned tail and ran.
"Thank you, General Freedom!" the father called out as he fled with his wife and child.
"What?" All-Star started. "I'm not-"
A missile exploding in front of his motorcycle cut him short and caused him to swerve out of control.
"Aw, jeez! Aw, man!" All-Star exclaimed as his trusty vehicle launched him into a wall. His head impacted with a loud thud. The world went black.
All-Star's eyes fluttered back open as light slowly flooded his darkened world. His vision blurred, he managed to make out the blurry forms of the robot-crabs (Need a better name for these.) still waging war on the city. With a groan, he sat up and checked himself. Yep, he thought, definitely still alive. With his vision now clear, All-Star gave the environment another survey. The robot-crabs from earlier had departed, but the battle still waged on around him, with most of the heroes now making a stand in front of City Hall. Yep, he thought, still exploding things.
Somewhat offended that the robot crabs had not seen it worth their time to finish him off, All-Star stood and snatched up his rifle, rushing over towards the conflict.
Okay, so, that's probably not good.
All-Star's sprint towards the main battle was cut short when he saw a group of robot-crabs scaling an office building and attempting to tuck into the poor sons of bitches inside. Nope, he thought, very not good. Without giving it a second thought, All-Star kicked in the building's doors and, rifle in hand, ran to the elevator.
Out of order. God damn it.
Changing his course, All-Star sped up the stairs. He hated cardio.
"Help! Somebody, help us!" a disembodied voice called out above him.
"I'm coming! Just hold tight!" All-Star shouted back as he made his way to the source of the voice. (Naturally) it was the 20th floor. A panting All-Star arrived to find more crab-robots (Seriously, these guys) clawing at a barred door (Or pincering, I guess?). Leveling his rifle and selecting high-explosive rounds, All-Star jumped into action, firing a steady stream of bullets at the crab-robots. The unsuspecting automatons had little time to react as bullets tore into them and blew them up from the inside, reducing them to broken circuitry and pieces in short order.
"Why is no one ever around to see how awesome I am?" All-Star joked, knocking on the door. "Er, come out now. You guys are safe."
"Prove it!" a male voice called back. "Who are you?!"
"I'm Agent Carter of the U.S Government, sir." he replied, rolling his eyes. "Uhm, All-Star?"
"Who?" a female voice asked.
"All-Star. All-Star. You haven't heard of me? I'm wearing a flag!" he said, impatiently.
"General Freedom?" the male voice questioned, prompting All-Star to facepalm very hard.
"Just open the door!" he snapped.
The door swung open and a group of office-workers filed out of the small closet.
"I've never seen this guy before." a balding man stated, raising an eyebrow.
"Well...I've never seen you before, so..." All-Star said, scratching his chin.
"Are you, like, new?" a perky young woman asked.
"No? Look, can we speed this up? This is a really busy day for me." All-Star sighed.
"Man, I was hoping we'd get Thundrax." a young man with lady-hair moaned.
"You know what? Next time, I'm letting the robots eat you." All-Star growled, turning to go. With a jump and a bit of parkour, he was quickly back on the first floor and running towards the exit.
"...Man, I thought Commander U.S was retired, or something." a confused man said in surprise.
Running out onto the streets, All-Star turned towards City Hall. Most of the crab-robots had been cleaned up and now the heroes were fighting a giant crab-robot (The fuck?).
"That escalated quickly." All-Star remarked.
Just then, a group of surviving crab-robots (Or robot-crabs or whatever) sprung from a nearby rooftop and at the distracted All-Star, swinging their pincers at him like hammers. Three this time. The initial swing from the first robot-crab's pincer was simple enough to duck, swinging overhead with threatening speed. The second crab-robot's pincer came down a little faster, but All-Star managed to roll aside.
"Oh, what? Come on! Hey, stop that! What the- Seriously?" the man cried out, dodging attacks this way and that as the third robot-crab-robot lay into him with a flurry of blows. The final blow, a powerful uppercut, hit home and sent him hurtling into a lamppost, clanging against it and slumping to the floor as the robot-crab-robot-crabs closed in, menacingly. "I should have called in sick today."
A blur of green from All-Star's right preceded one of the crab-robots being punched into oblivion, followed by a boomerang (I shit you not), which promptly embedded itself into one of the robot-crabs and exploded. As All-Star stood to his feet and spit a tooth, two female heroes descended upon him, one clad in a purple battlesuit and the other wearing a somewhat revealing green and black piece.
Don't look at their asses, don't look at their asses...
All-Star was now looking at their asses.
"Are you alright?" Serenity asked.
"Tis' but a scratch." All-Star replied with a smirk. Oh god, he thought, I think I have a concussion.
"You should get to safety, civilian. It's dangerous out." Saber Strider firmly said before both rushed over to the main battle.
"Hey! What gives?! Civilians don't wear flags! And I'm a hero too, y'know!" All-Star yelled after them. He then remembered that he wasn't a hero. "Uh...Well, I'm useful, I guess?" he corrected himself. With a hefty sigh, All-Star peered over at the main battle, where the giant crab-robots were now forming a giant robot-crab megazord, for some reason. Grunting, he slung his rifle onto his back, grabbed a nearby bicycle which had been abandoned by its fleeing owner and cycled towards the fight, ringing his bell.
By the time All-Star arrived at the huge battle, the Mega-Crab had already incapacitated a number of heroes and was being kept busy by the flyers, who were soaring around it like flies, throwing all they had. Aw, jeez, All-Star thought, converting his rifle to its sniper rifle mode and taking aim at the Mega-Crab.
"Don't worry, folks: The Amazing All-Star is here to-" he started, before realising that no one actually cared. Concentrating on the task at hand, All-Star kicked his Hypercognition into gear and fired at the crab-robot's head. The bullet flew from the barrel of his gun and up towards the war-machine, harmlessly bouncing off of its armour. As if to retaliate, it flipped a nearby car with one of its legs, sending it at All-Star.
"It's bulletproof?! Why is everything always bulletproof?!?" All-Star roared in frustration as the car came down at him. Before he could even consider dodging it, two orange hands swept him up and flew him out of harm's way. All-Star looked up to see Apollyon, the Malvan hero he had read a file on that one time, grinning arrogantly back at him as he carried him in the most emasculating way he could possibly muster, away from the battle.
"Uh, hello? Hello? Guy? Can you put me down?" All-Star said, looking down at the fight below.
Apollyon looked down on him, boredly. "This fight is no place for the likes of you, human. Might I suggest staying out of this one, lest you find yourself getting stepped on."
"Oh hell no!" All-Star snapped back. "Did you just-? No, you didn't! I'm an agent for the US Government, damn it! So put me down."
Apollyon shrugged and dropped All-Star back on the ground before flying off to throw a punch at the Mega-Crab.
"Yeah, that's right, Space-Fabio!" All-Star said, tauntingly. "Respect my authority!" Taking aim with his rifle once more, All-Star rushed into the centre of the combat as the Mega-Crab began to shoot robot-crabs and crab-robots from its butt, or something. Firing at the deployed mechanical monstrosities, All-Star flipped over the head of one of the crab-robot-crabs and landed in the middle of a holdout with a few heroes.
"Hey, guys. Need some firepower?" he said, with a smile as he did his best to mow down the horde of crab-robots.
"Is that the Patriette?" a miniature Particle Man asked as he flew by, blasting anything which remotely resembled a crab.
"What? No!" All-Star responded, somewhat indignant.
"I thought the Patriette was a girl..." Danger Deer added as he flipped over the head of another crab-robot.
"I don't know. I mean, I guess the name kind of implies- Never mind, I'm not the-" All-Star started, his protests cut short by a missile flying over his head.
"Nice guns, partner." Desperado said, firing his own.
"What? Oh, wait, you mean my actual guns. Thanks, man." All-Star replied with a lopsided smile, firing off at the crab-robots.
"You shouldn't be here, you know. What with your extreme lack of any actual power." Apollyon remarked as he flew past.
"I have a power! Kinda..." All-Star responded, angrily.
"Why are you wearing a scarf?" Danger Deer asked.
"Why do you have antlers?" All-Star replied.
"They grow out of my head." Danger-Deer said, bluntly.
"Ouch. You should see a doctor, then?" All-Star said, distractedly, as he mowed down a crab-robot.
Particle Man flew by once more, blasting a crab-robot's head off. "Are you sure you're not the Patriette?"
"No, damn it!" All-Star shouted back. "My name is-"
The Mega-Crab loomed over the heroes, menacingly, a powerful laser sprouting from its chest and charging up.
"Shucks an' fiddlesticks!" Desperado exclaimed.
"Oh man..." Danger Deer murmured.
"Fuck!" All-Star said. "So, uhm...You want me to shoot at it?"
The battered and broken shell that was once the Mega-Crab lay atop the decimated bodies of its legion of crab-robots as Thundrax and some other A-Listers stood on top of it (I think they were taking turns giving motivational speeches?). Away from it all, All-Star sat on a deactivated robot-crab, checking his rifle. Danger Deer and Desperado walked up to him, casually.
"A bunch of us are going to wrangle up some pizza once this mess is cleared up and have ourselves a good ol' fashioned hoedown. You feelin' lucky, partner?" Desperado said.
"I'm not entirely sure what you just said but I think I'm gonna have to report this to my boss, so I'm gonna sit that one out." All-Star said, with a frown. He liked pizza.
"Suit y'self. Come along, lil' doggy." Desperado said, gesturing at Danger Deer and walking away.
"Deer. I'm a deer." Danger Deer said, fidgeting before moving to catch up with Desperado.
"Kind of a swell fella, ain't he?" Desperado said to Danger Deer as they walked off together.
"Yeah. Major Glory's a real sweetheart." Danger Deer concurred.
"That's not my name!" All-Star practically screamed at them as they left. "Seriously, people! It's All-Star! It is -not- that hard to remember! I HAVE A STAR ON MY CHEST!"
"Hey, All-Star, right?" a voice called out from behind him. Turning around, All-Star was met with the sight of a pretty young news reporter who looked damn fine in a suit. "Nate Carter?"
All-Star blinked, his frown curling into an arrogant smile. "Yeah! That's me. Anything I can help you with, beautiful?"
The reporter raised a hand and, with a blur of motion, slapped All-Star across the face before walking off.
"You never called me back, asshole." she fumed as she returned to her job.
All-Star rubbed a hand over his sore cheek before turning and walking into the sunset to fill out a stack of paperwork.
Aw, jeez, he thought to himself.
