Punchline: Issue 02

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“No good deed goes unpunished and nothing lasts forever. If anyone knows this, it's Francis Porier. Find out about how one unlucky circus performer became a supernatural powerhouse! See what happens when the one he hates most gets that power as well! Tonight, the Big Top burns in the second adventure of Punchline ‑ The Cursed Clown!”


"Thrills, Chills, and Stolen Wills!"

I know who ruined our act. We took Valphazar's opening spot and he took it personal. Now, thanks to him, one of our clowns will need a glass eye.

I talk to Boyd and he says he talked to Mr. "All-Seeing" already. With no proof he sabotaged the show the cops won't touch him. Well, I don't need no proof 'cause it's as simple as a glassed packed pie. Danny wants me to calm down, tells me he's gonna fire him. He's gonna let that man just walk away? That ain't right!

Me, I'd like to see that gypsy bastard try and lie through gums instead of his teeth for a change. I'm going to walk right into that trailer of his, and bop him one on the mouth. His trailer's easy enough to find because it's the only one pained dark purple, and it smells like someone lit their garden on fire. I can hear him ranting inside about getting fired, saying something about how he's going to show us what for. Now he's singing some weird song. The words make no sense to me.

Now, I could knock, but this ain't no cordial visit. It takes a couple kicks to crack the door, and another to break it open. The smell of smoke is overwhelming. Somethings not right here. . . not right at all.

At one end of the trailer is Valphazar, eyes rolled back like he's looking at his own brain. On the other end, gaged and tied to one of the crossbeams, is Sarah. She can't say nothing, but I can tell from her eyes that she's outright terrified. There's this circle of gray ash around her feet. Valphazar stats pacing slowly towards her, still chanting. He raises his hands above his head, and he's got a knife! I rush forward and my shoulder connects with his shoulder, and he tumbles ass over appetite into a sturdy oak dresser. I have to get Sarah out of here while he's still down! I step into the ash circle and...

...it's quiet here. Everything's red. It's warm. I hear something. A bird? It's hot here. Not a bird, a screech. I can't see, and it's too hot. The screech is gone. Now there's a hum, popping, and crackling. A record without music? It shouldn't be this hot. Are my eyes closed? It doesn't matter now...

...now it's black.

I wake up to the sound of Danny shouting. He's been shaking me for a while now, and he says the ambulance is on it's way from Raleigh.

I'm not sure how long I've been in the hospital. I was burned pretty badly they say, but I don't even remember the fire. I do remember knocking over Valphazar, and I remember reaching for Sarah, but that's about it. I also remember the heat. It felt like I was burning to death. I was sure I was dying, but yet here I am, eating lime jello and holding a Sunday paper.

I haven't seen under the gauze yet, but they say I'm scarred up from the neck down. The good news they say, is most of the damage is only skin deep, and I still got a face. The bad news is I'm never going to look the same again. Boyd tells me how I'm lucky. I think lucky's not being in a fire in the first place, but I guess you have to take what you get. No question I was the luckiest of the three of us though. Sarah didn't make it. She was burned clear to bone they say. Valphazar's body couldn't even be found. That monster deserves what he got, but not her. Poor girl.

Like always, Boyd has a plan. He wants to set me up with a new act. It would be a one-man show. The newspaper he gave me is three weeks old. He snatches it out of my hand and starts rifling through the pages and shows me an article. It's about the fire, and how amazing it is that anyone survived in there. His new act is to have me, billed as "The Burning Geek", doing staged stunts to shock audiences. He always knows how to find a silver lining, that'd for sure. He believes that this show would be a huge draw. I still need the job, so I agree to do it.

For a packed house I got to jump through burning hoops, get chased by "wild" animals (the audience thinks they were wild, anyway), and try to pound nails into my skin. The nails break away, to make it look like I'm indestructible. For the final stunt, I got jump through the "Flaming Ring of Death", roll under a swinging log, bounce off a trampoline go into a somersault flat onto a "bed of nails", and then climb off with a fake nail stuck onto the back of my hand. At the end I just have to "pull it out" nonchalantly, strike a pose, and listen to the roar of the crowd. Just another routine day under the Big Top.

The first three parts go off without a hitch, and now it's time for the big finish. Just got to run forward and jump through the hoop. . . no problem there. . . land and roll under the log. . . whew, that was close! Now, up onto the trampoline and. . . bounce into the flip! OK, now for the tricky part. I got to make sure that my back is nice and straight when I land, because if I hit the bed at the wrong angle even break away nails can... GAH!

My whole body hurts. I landed right. I know I did. I've done this at least forty times now in rehearsal. These aren't the nails that break away. These are real. I can't hear the crowd anymore, but I can feel them out there. The shock of it all, it's like their horror is flooding the air around me. It's almost comforting.

I hear something ripping the roof of the tent, and I hear screams. It sounds like the torn away part of the tent is flapping in the wind, but it seems like the sound is getting closer. Wait, no. It's not the tent. It's a man. . . with leathery wings. . . not just a man. It's Valphazar! He landed on my chest, and I feel the nails pushing deeper into my back. It should hurt, but it don't.

"Ladies and Gentlemen", he bellows, "This man is a thief! He has taken something that is mine, and now he is paying for it!"

I can hear Danny shouting, but I can't tell what he's saying. He's shouting at Valphazar.

"Oh Boyd, don't you sound all high and mighty now! You need to pay your dues as well, for unleashing this dog of a man on me!"

I see him raise a mangled hand and laugh as the tent above us bursts into flame. It's hot. Hot and familiar.

The audience is screaming, people are starting to stampede, and they're going to trample each other! All the fear, the panic, the horror. It makes me want to stand up. Makes me want to stop it. No. . . I will stand up and stop it! I know I'm strong enough to lift myself free of these nails. I don't know why I know that, and I don't care. I just have to raise one arm and grab Valphazar by the ankle. . . and now it's just like cracking a whip! I hear him smack into the ground with a heavy thud.

I climb up onto my feet. I'm not walking too well, but I'm at least I'm walking. The audience has almost dispersed now. He's caused those people so much pain, so much fear. I want him to feel what they felt, and I want him to feel what Sarah felt when she burned alive in his trailer. There's Valphazar, lying on the ground. He's hurt, but alive.

I lift him by his collar, and bring his face close to mine as. I feel my mind running wild. I don't know what he sees in my eyes, but whatever it is, it has to be horrible. He's screaming, babbling, and nothing he says makes a lick of sense except for one word... "monster".

Suddenly the last few minutes snap into perspective. I should be dead right now. I should be skewered and dead. I can't be alive. It's just not possible. That's not how things are supposed to work.

I wanted to kill him, but I've lost my nerve. I realize he's a become a wretch and a monster. No . . . we have become monsters, but I can't bring myself to end his life.

"Run. Just run away from here, Valphazar. Don't run like the devil's chasing you. Run because he is."


Want to know what happens next?

Issue #3 - "Boxcars and Billboards"

Life isn't easy when you're homeless, on the road, and sweat liquid fear. Trains, trucks, and worn soles take our hero across the southern states as he tries to find new meaning in his life. Read on to find out how he gets by and more about the affliction that is threatening his very sanity in the third adventure of Punchline ‑ The Cursed Clown! (Read it now!)


If you'd rather read the PRIMUS DATABASE entry for Punchline, click here.